stuff learned while flying, pain, chinese cheese, unfun, bets, music
18 January 2008
Last night, I flew from NYC to LA and I’m happy to report: no Hot Whopper. The flight was uneventful and even enjoyable (exit row – jackpot!), but as the plane started descending, I got very anxious. I had taken my Afrin, which I clutched in my right hand, along with some painkillers and a bottle of water, so I was ready. But by sipping the water and breathing slowly and in a controlled fashioned, I was able to avoid the Whopper. Hallelujah.
(Also, during the flight on my laptop I watched “The Godfather” for the first time. Um, pretty good movie.)
In a related story, while drinking cans of MGD on the plane for $5, and I realized something: MGD tastes like my childhood. I don’t really know what that means. I think it’s more appropriate to say that MGD smells like my childhood, since my dad and almost all of my adult relatives drank MGD when I was growing up (the exception being my Uncle Eddie, who drank Bud). But from that first sip, I was struck with nostalgia. What’s even more strange is that for one summer, the summer of 2000, my roommates and I went to Kinvara on Harvard Ave in Boston every week for $1.50 MGD’s and got absolutely shitcanned and every other visit would get in some sort of fight. But when I had the first MGD I’d had in years last night, I thought not of these more recent times, but back to when I was six years old. A lullaby, a birthday candle, the Peanuts Christmas special – these are things that may remind most people of their childhood. Not me. MGD. Now you know why I have so much trouble [insert psychological/emotional/genital deficiency here].
**************
Work right now: Wow. Ouch. Woof. Yikes. Mercy. Lordy. Yowza.
[That’s all I have to say about that at this juncture.]
**************
Don’t mean to be Seinfeldian here, but I mentioned this the other day to a friend and his mind was so blown he had to leave town for a while: Have you noticed the complete lack of cheese of any kind in Asian food? I mean, Chinese, Thai, Japanese, Korean, all other Asia countries – no cheese. None of them. I had further discussions with some buddies and the closest to “cheese” we could find in Asian food was the cream cheese in crab rangoons, but I’ve personally only had them in Boston, so I don’t feel comfortable saying they’re the exception. If you’re aware of any Asian dishes with cheese in them, please let me know. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep until I get to the bottom of this.
**************
Seriously, work. Enough. Not cool.
[And that’s really all I have to say about that at this juncture.]
**************
Bets (Formerly Six, Then Four, Now Two)
After an impressive weekend last weekend in which I went 0-4, I had three different buddies call me and ask me for picks, so they could know how to bet (i.e. by going against me). Whatever. We all fall down sometimes.
San Diego (+14) over NEW ENGLAND
Look, the Pats have gone 2-7 against the spread in their last nine games (covering only against the Bills, who they beat 56-10 in mid-November, and the Steelers, who they beat 34-13 because that Pitt safety guaranteed a victory). San Diego is ready to party and though I think the Pats will win, I’ll take the 14 points.
GREEN BAY (-7) over New York Giants
Eli at Lambeau in negative degree weather just doesn’t sound good. I still don’t think these Packers are great, but I think the Pack can cover the seven.
Last week record: 0-4
Playoff record: 3-5
**************
Six Songs
“Mystery Achievement” The Pretenders
I’m warning you right now: If Jenny Lewis were to cover this song, I would never get an erection again. Not ever. It would simply be too much overstimulation for my penis and he’d say, “You know what? I’m done. That’s about all there is.” I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is a very hot, driving rock song that also made me pick up my bass guitar for the first time in about a year and a half. And again, if Jenny Lewis were to sing this, I would seriously flip the F out.
(Seriously, think of her singing this song. Wow. Erectionless. Rest of my life. Word.)
“Where Did I Go Wrong With You” Martin Sexton
This is a really sad song and was an immediate addition to the “Sad As Fuck” playlist, but it doesn’t really apply to my life, since I can pretty much pinpoint where I went wrong with every relationship I’ve had with a woman since puberty. There are only five main choices, really:
- Smothered the Crap Out of Her Because I Was Bored or Rich or Women Like That, Right?
- Don’t Really Care About Anyone But Myself and/or Finding the Perfect Crab Cake
- Completely Lost All Interest (also see: Got Tired and Needed a Nap)
- Seriously, At This Point I’m More Likely To Marry a Sausage Than a Woman
- All of the above
[Note: This only applies to situations in which I instigated the end of the relationship, not when girls dump me, which has only one explanation: “Oh My God, I’m Kinda Dating Jason Mulgrew. Wow.”]
Still, this mother fucker can sing. And sadly, too. I don’t really like to do this, because I don’t want to get your hopes up too much or make you disregard the rest of the song, but the thirty seconds from the three minute mark to about 3:30 just may be the smoothest section of a song that I’ve heard in a long time. It’s not quite Jeff Buckley’s Nerudian soul-explosion/mind-cry in that section of “Lover You Should Have Come Over” (the “My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder” part), but it’s close.
[Sidetracking here, but ladies, if a guy wrote, “All my riches for her smile when I slept so soft against her” and “All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter” about you, you pretty much have to sleep with him, right? I mean, even if he had nubs instead of arms? I feel like I need to be a Big Brother to a kid so I can give him the heads up about this stuff. Also, so that he could be my alibi:
Chris Hansen: “And what are you doing meeting a 13 year old girl, Jason?”
Me: “I’m a Big Brother, and my Son, Frances, is friends with the girl.”
Chris Hansen: “Ok, but can you explain why you’re naked except for a sandwich board that says ‘Free Snake Rides’ but the word ‘Penis’ is before ‘Snake’ and is crossed out?”
Me: “Um, I borrowed it from a friend who gives penis rides?”
Chris Hansen: “And is that a footnote that says, ‘If the snake falls asleep it’s because he is tired and you must dance to wake him up but please sway, like real slow-like?’”
Me: “Hey man, it happens to a lot of guys.”]
“Sitting” Cat Stevens
When Cat’s angry, bro, you don’t want to fuck with him. I have no idea what he’s so mad about in this song, but it’s probably me. Whatever. I’m over it.
“In My Room” Beach Boys
I always forget about this Beach Boys song, and then I’ll be driving around (in Philly or LA) and it will come on the oldies station and I’ll say to myself, “Man, I forgot how awesome this one is.” That’s it. That’s the whole point of the story. Sorry.
“California Girls” Magnetic Fields
I just downloaded the new album last night, so I can’t speak to it with any great authority, but any song that features a line “They breathe coke/And they have affairs/With each passing rock star,” well, I’m buying. I also like the line, “They come off like squares/Then get off like squirrels” because California girls really are multiply-orgasmic. Not that I’d know personally; the closest I’ve come to a girl I’m with having multiple orgasms was when one of my ex-girlfriends thought she had an orgasm but wasn’t sure, and then eight months later she sneezed, but said it was a “really good one.” So that’s kinda like multiple orgasms.
“Hold On Tight” ELO
The song from the car commercial. I was pretty shocked this was ELO, since I thought for sure it was some hipster band. Way off. And kinda sad too, since I thought I was going to get all into the new band that did this song, since if I were in a band, we would write songs exactly like this one. We’d also have both guys and girls in the band and we’d be compared to a cross between Fleetwood Mac, Sly and the Family Stone and, well, Electric Light Orchestra. Interested parties should inquire within.
[Have a good weekend]
(Also, during the flight on my laptop I watched “The Godfather” for the first time. Um, pretty good movie.)
In a related story, while drinking cans of MGD on the plane for $5, and I realized something: MGD tastes like my childhood. I don’t really know what that means. I think it’s more appropriate to say that MGD smells like my childhood, since my dad and almost all of my adult relatives drank MGD when I was growing up (the exception being my Uncle Eddie, who drank Bud). But from that first sip, I was struck with nostalgia. What’s even more strange is that for one summer, the summer of 2000, my roommates and I went to Kinvara on Harvard Ave in Boston every week for $1.50 MGD’s and got absolutely shitcanned and every other visit would get in some sort of fight. But when I had the first MGD I’d had in years last night, I thought not of these more recent times, but back to when I was six years old. A lullaby, a birthday candle, the Peanuts Christmas special – these are things that may remind most people of their childhood. Not me. MGD. Now you know why I have so much trouble [insert psychological/emotional/genital deficiency here].
**************
Work right now: Wow. Ouch. Woof. Yikes. Mercy. Lordy. Yowza.
[That’s all I have to say about that at this juncture.]
**************
Don’t mean to be Seinfeldian here, but I mentioned this the other day to a friend and his mind was so blown he had to leave town for a while: Have you noticed the complete lack of cheese of any kind in Asian food? I mean, Chinese, Thai, Japanese, Korean, all other Asia countries – no cheese. None of them. I had further discussions with some buddies and the closest to “cheese” we could find in Asian food was the cream cheese in crab rangoons, but I’ve personally only had them in Boston, so I don’t feel comfortable saying they’re the exception. If you’re aware of any Asian dishes with cheese in them, please let me know. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep until I get to the bottom of this.
**************
Seriously, work. Enough. Not cool.
[And that’s really all I have to say about that at this juncture.]
**************
Bets (Formerly Six, Then Four, Now Two)
After an impressive weekend last weekend in which I went 0-4, I had three different buddies call me and ask me for picks, so they could know how to bet (i.e. by going against me). Whatever. We all fall down sometimes.
San Diego (+14) over NEW ENGLAND
Look, the Pats have gone 2-7 against the spread in their last nine games (covering only against the Bills, who they beat 56-10 in mid-November, and the Steelers, who they beat 34-13 because that Pitt safety guaranteed a victory). San Diego is ready to party and though I think the Pats will win, I’ll take the 14 points.
GREEN BAY (-7) over New York Giants
Eli at Lambeau in negative degree weather just doesn’t sound good. I still don’t think these Packers are great, but I think the Pack can cover the seven.
Last week record: 0-4
Playoff record: 3-5
**************
Six Songs
“Mystery Achievement” The Pretenders
I’m warning you right now: If Jenny Lewis were to cover this song, I would never get an erection again. Not ever. It would simply be too much overstimulation for my penis and he’d say, “You know what? I’m done. That’s about all there is.” I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is a very hot, driving rock song that also made me pick up my bass guitar for the first time in about a year and a half. And again, if Jenny Lewis were to sing this, I would seriously flip the F out.
(Seriously, think of her singing this song. Wow. Erectionless. Rest of my life. Word.)
“Where Did I Go Wrong With You” Martin Sexton
This is a really sad song and was an immediate addition to the “Sad As Fuck” playlist, but it doesn’t really apply to my life, since I can pretty much pinpoint where I went wrong with every relationship I’ve had with a woman since puberty. There are only five main choices, really:
- Smothered the Crap Out of Her Because I Was Bored or Rich or Women Like That, Right?
- Don’t Really Care About Anyone But Myself and/or Finding the Perfect Crab Cake
- Completely Lost All Interest (also see: Got Tired and Needed a Nap)
- Seriously, At This Point I’m More Likely To Marry a Sausage Than a Woman
- All of the above
[Note: This only applies to situations in which I instigated the end of the relationship, not when girls dump me, which has only one explanation: “Oh My God, I’m Kinda Dating Jason Mulgrew. Wow.”]
Still, this mother fucker can sing. And sadly, too. I don’t really like to do this, because I don’t want to get your hopes up too much or make you disregard the rest of the song, but the thirty seconds from the three minute mark to about 3:30 just may be the smoothest section of a song that I’ve heard in a long time. It’s not quite Jeff Buckley’s Nerudian soul-explosion/mind-cry in that section of “Lover You Should Have Come Over” (the “My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder” part), but it’s close.
[Sidetracking here, but ladies, if a guy wrote, “All my riches for her smile when I slept so soft against her” and “All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter” about you, you pretty much have to sleep with him, right? I mean, even if he had nubs instead of arms? I feel like I need to be a Big Brother to a kid so I can give him the heads up about this stuff. Also, so that he could be my alibi:
Chris Hansen: “And what are you doing meeting a 13 year old girl, Jason?”
Me: “I’m a Big Brother, and my Son, Frances, is friends with the girl.”
Chris Hansen: “Ok, but can you explain why you’re naked except for a sandwich board that says ‘Free Snake Rides’ but the word ‘Penis’ is before ‘Snake’ and is crossed out?”
Me: “Um, I borrowed it from a friend who gives penis rides?”
Chris Hansen: “And is that a footnote that says, ‘If the snake falls asleep it’s because he is tired and you must dance to wake him up but please sway, like real slow-like?’”
Me: “Hey man, it happens to a lot of guys.”]
“Sitting” Cat Stevens
When Cat’s angry, bro, you don’t want to fuck with him. I have no idea what he’s so mad about in this song, but it’s probably me. Whatever. I’m over it.
“In My Room” Beach Boys
I always forget about this Beach Boys song, and then I’ll be driving around (in Philly or LA) and it will come on the oldies station and I’ll say to myself, “Man, I forgot how awesome this one is.” That’s it. That’s the whole point of the story. Sorry.
“California Girls” Magnetic Fields
I just downloaded the new album last night, so I can’t speak to it with any great authority, but any song that features a line “They breathe coke/And they have affairs/With each passing rock star,” well, I’m buying. I also like the line, “They come off like squares/Then get off like squirrels” because California girls really are multiply-orgasmic. Not that I’d know personally; the closest I’ve come to a girl I’m with having multiple orgasms was when one of my ex-girlfriends thought she had an orgasm but wasn’t sure, and then eight months later she sneezed, but said it was a “really good one.” So that’s kinda like multiple orgasms.
“Hold On Tight” ELO
The song from the car commercial. I was pretty shocked this was ELO, since I thought for sure it was some hipster band. Way off. And kinda sad too, since I thought I was going to get all into the new band that did this song, since if I were in a band, we would write songs exactly like this one. We’d also have both guys and girls in the band and we’d be compared to a cross between Fleetwood Mac, Sly and the Family Stone and, well, Electric Light Orchestra. Interested parties should inquire within.
[Have a good weekend]
