Wonderful news from Chicago:

Hey Jason, been reading your blog for a long time, big fan and all that (disappointed that you can’t post as much since you’ve been in LA). I just wanted to write you to say thanks for a post that you wrote near the end of last year saying that guys should get their girlfriend to do an Engagement Ring Dossier. I showed it to my girlfriend (who also reads your site) and convinced her to do one back in December, and the past month or so I went and picked out the ring and everything based on her specifications, proposed last night, and she absolutely LOVES the ring. I’m sure you already knew the dossier was a good idea, but I just wanted to confirm it to you. A real world application of the ERD that worked, and my girlfriend and I will be forever in your debt (which means if I ever meet you in real life I’ll buy you a drink or two).

(If you want to relay this on your blog to show everybody how great you are feel free, just leave out my name please)

I posted this mostly because, well, to show everybody how great I am, but also because I took such flack from the women-folk for the Engagement Ring Dossier.

The idea, to refresh y’all, is simple: When it becomes apparent that you and your lady friend are going to eventually get engaged, ask her to put together an “Engagement Ring Dossier.” The ERD will include everything a man who knows (or should know) very little about jewelry needs to know to buy his love her ideal engagement ring; everything from her ring size to size or clarity/quality preference to pictures to type of cut should be included in there. Upon the receipt of the ERD, it should never be spoken about again, under the assumption that sometime in the next year or so you are going to use the ERD to purchase the ring and propose.

I think it’s a brilliant idea because:

- I don’t want to be the guy who goes shopping for a ring with his girlfriend. This is, to sound like a California girl, so totally lame. After all, how many genuine surprises do you get or get to pull off in your life? Isn’t getting engaged and finding out the sex of your baby about it (not including any STD test results)? When I hear of couples spending Saturdays going ring shopping I want yell at them for their lack of originality and spontaneity. Then I get a little sad, because I’m alone. So, so alone.

- I don’t want to pick out an engagement ring for my girlfriend all by myself. I’m not really into looks. Don’t get me wrong – the most important characteristic of a potential mate of mine is how attractive she is, but for me, I don’t own a lot of nice clothes, my car is caked in dust because it hasn’t been washed since before we drove it cross-country, and I didn’t shave once this weekend. The point: as far as I’m concerned, it’s a fucking ring. Without guidance from a woman, I imagine the most important criterion for my ring purchase is how much it’s on sale (i.e. the jeweler pulls out a ring made of PVC and coral and says, “This usually goes for $10,000, but I can give it to you at a discount for…” and I yell “Sold!” before he even gets the price out).

(PS – I actually came out to my car this morning to find someone had written “Wash Me, Asshole” in the dust on my trunk. I wrote “No” below it.)

While I thought my ERD idea would be immediately lauded as one of the most significant intellectual developments of the 21st century…um, nope. Various people expressed the sentiment, “Even the most sane and normal girl in the world would get whipped up into a frenzy at the idea of her boyfriend asking her for engagement ring information.” Another said, “From a neurotic female perspective: if someone ever approached me using this method I would immediately think any romantic moment, or even unromantic moment for that matter, was a potential marriage proposal.” Another (from a woman):

Three things that will piss a woman off more than anything is 1) having to wait for a surprise, i.e. knowing your man is going to propose. A word of advice, never ever mention the M word until you are popping the question; 2) picking out their own engagement ring. We don’t ever want to know how much you spent on the ring even if it is 3 times your monthly salary; and 3) having to tell you exactly what we want. We expect you to know what we want and when we want it.

The following is from a dude, but he more or less summed up a number of things:

Women can’t handle [the ERD], and you will encounter two reactions: One, the girl will get freaked out, awkward, and the end of relationship clock will begin to tick immediately. It’s only a matter of time before that shit reaches zero. Two, the girl will get WAY too involved in the idea. I want to stress WAY TOO INVOLVED. Dossier? Try the Oxford fucking English dictionary of engagement ring shit. There’ll be recognizable stuff, like Tiffany’s, but then she’ll throw stuff in there that you’ve never even heard of, like elaborate custom-made rings worn by dessicated virigins who will think of England on their wedding night, or some weird red diamond ring nobody on earth could afford except Bill Gates. Then, once you have the ERD, come the jokes. After a while she’ll get tired of waiting for you to ask the question, and will start dropping none too subtle jokes about rings, purchasing, how lonely her finger looks, how every other woman she knows has been engaged twice, and how she really feels the need for security in her life and “can’t wait around forever.”

This is all silly. Silly, silly, silly. My rebuttals:

1) I guess I assumed that the woman that I’ll be proposing to and those women that should use the ERD are, for the most part, sane. Maybe this is naive on my part, but the thing I don’t think y’all picked up on is that I’m not talking about giving the ERD to a girl you’ve been dating for four months. I’m talking about a relationship in which both parties have spoken about marriage and are closer to a wedding than a first date, if not chronologically (using this word incorrectly), then emotionally. I don’t see a problem with going to a girl I’ve been dating for a long time, who’s met all my family, with whom I’ve vacationed and talked about marriage and the whole nine yards, and saying, “Look, you know I want to marry. Probably you. But here’s a fun idea – I want you to have the most possible input on your ring without you actually picking it out yourself, because I want it to be a surprise” and then explaining the “fun” concept of the ERD. Again, maybe I’m being naive, but I don’t see the harm in that.

2) If a woman gets way too involved in the ERD, fine. It’s kind of a big deal, so I think I can do a little work on my part to distill any great volume of information and work with a “diamond guy” to figure out the most practical and most desirable ring for my lady. Too much information in this case is better than too little.

3) I’m not saying that the woman presenting the ERD should include financial requirements or parameters (i.e. Rule XIV: The should should cost at least $8,567 but not more than $12,511″). But an issue that should be resolved in the ERD would be: would you prefer a larger, less clear diamond or a smaller, cleaner/shinier diamond?

4) The most valid point of those mentioned above is that any moment, romantic or not, might be the moment for the proposal once the ERD has been handed over. But let me ask you something, ladies: If a guy took your ERD and said it would take some time for him to save money for the ring, and then didn’t propose in the next, say, six weeks, wouldn’t your suspicion of “OHMYGOD HE MIGHT PROPOSE TONIGHT!” wear off after a few weeks? From my perspective, if someone said to me, “Some day, say in the next year, Jenna Jameson is going to follow you from work into your parking garage and blow you,” yeah, I’d be out of my mind in anticipation at first. But then, after the first month of no Jenna, I’d stop icing my balls before I left work. Then after the second month, I’d stop looking over my shoulder as I walked to my car. By the third month, it’d be in my mind, and sure, I’d still keep masturbating to the idea, but I’d get used to it, knowing one day it’s going to happen and going to be awesome, but I can’t constantly think about it. And then the one day, when it did finally happen, it would still be the greatest day of my life. So ladies, would the same apply to the ERD?

(Again, I’ll be the first to admit that I know very little about the female psyche, but still, I gotta be close on this one.)

Anyway, I am very happy for [NAME REDACTED] and his new fiancée. Honestly, it’s just about one of the best emails I’ve ever gotten, not just because it shows that I am right (so totally right) because lil’ old me, writing an internet diary from a couple hundred miles away, probably with my shirt off, was able to play a small role in the advancement of two people’s love. That’s a nice feeling, like apple crumble a la mode. Which is delicious. Like love.

(Also, did I mention I was so totally right?)