Here’s the thing: I kinda like John McCain. Sure, he’s a child of privilege, an admiral’s son and an admiral’s grandson. Sure, he graduated 894 out of 899 at Annapolis; when I think of the bottom 0.6% of my college class, I think mostly of transients, drifters, and the now-deceased. Sure, upon graduation he displayed no real talent in the military, crashing not one, not two, but three planes during his tenure in the service, part of which was spent at McCain Field, named after his grandpop, which is the equivalent but not really of being a computer programmer named Steve Microsoft. Sure, he married a former model but when he returned from ‘Nam and found her in a wheelchair after a car accident, he took up with a woman eighteen years his junior – with a family fortune estimated around $100 million – whom he married six weeks after his divorce was finalized. And sure, he’s short and bad-tempered.

But you know what: the guy was in a cage for five and a half years. A cage! Five and a half years! Have any of you reading this spent any time in a cage? Didn’t think so. Neither have I, but I can’t imagine it’s any good. Also, does the term “straight talk” mean anything to you? After years of BS from politicians, McCain’s always told is like it is, never pulling punches. And he’s a Maverick, which means he plays by his own rules, nobody else’s, not even his own. Most importantly, he’s Country First ™; all the time, Country First ™. America, America, America. John McCain. Straight Talk. Maverick. Country First ™. America. McCain.

So I actually kinda personally like John McCain. Aside from the cage thing, he’s pretty much lived a great life: born into wealth and privilege; got into college and numerous sweet jobs because of his dad; married a model and when she got ugly, married another richer, younger, more attractive woman; and ultimately attained power, wealth and prestige. Five and a half miserable years, sixty-six and a half (!) terrific ones. Doesn’t seem like a bad trade-off to me.

But as much as I admire the guy for Living the Life, I can’t vote for him for president. The reason is simple: I have a brain. Also: I care about this country.

Before we continue, a disclosure: I am not quite a “raging” liberal, but I’m not too far off. Call me crazy, but I prefer when gay people are treated as human beings, not slightly better than slaves or dogs. I also think that if a woman is raped and impregnated by a stranger or, say, by her dad, she should have the right to choose whether or not to have the baby; I can be Irish Catholic and still realize that my personal/religious beliefs should not be forced by law onto others (nuts, I know). Universal healthcare would be nice, I think, as would maybe figuring out how to wrap up all this war stuff going on. Most important to me, I believe in the welfare system and the concept of government assistance. I once dated a girl whose father hated paying taxes, saying that all his tax money went to “dishwashers” and their several (presumably brown or brown-ish) children. I had to bite my tongue, because one of the most beloved pastimes of my youth was beating up my little brother and forcing him to go to the grocery store when my mom asked me to go to the store, since I didn’t want any of my friends to see me paying for groceries with food stamps. We were not brown (or even close to it) and neither of my parents were dishwashers, but we were on public assistance back in the day. However, I think we turned out fine – I’m pretty sure that I made more money last year than this ex’s dad (if not, I almost certainly out-earned him in 2006), my brother is a first year student at UVA Law, and my sister, a newly-minted nurse, graduated in the top 3% of her class. Each of us at one time or another paid for milk with food stamps, then later got scholarships to our respective high schools and colleges (which led or will lead to profitable and successful careers), and five years from now we will pool our money to buy the sickest beach house the Jersey shore has ever seen, which I will promptly burn down during a failed suicide attempt after my second divorce. So you lose, ex’s dad.

(Well, I guess the beach house ultimately loses, but you know what I mean.)

It’s hard for me to argue how one should not vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin, since it seems to me to be such an easy choice. It’s kinda like a beautiful woman (or man) walking up to you and saying, “Look, I’m going to either bite off a large chunk of your face or give you a hot, steamy kiss – which one do you want?” Everyone I know – and every sane, rational person – would pick the kiss, although I do realize that there are some sick, demented fucks out there who would take the face-biting.

(I might also add that when someone says “I’m a Republican”, they’re essentially telling me they’re either rich, churchy or dumb. Please find me a Republican who doesn’t fit into one of those three categories and I’ll give you $1. Good luck.)

(Note: Children of the rich, churchy or dumb count here as well. I’m sure I’m going to get at least one email from a Republican who’s a teacher and poor, but whose dad owns half of whatever county he/she lives in. Just wanted to clarify.)

And I realize there is nothing that I can say right now about the election to change your opinion. After months of constant media coverage, the election is tomorrow. You know who you’re voting for. It’s go time. No turning back. It’s on. Like Donkey Kong. Etc, etc, etc. Still, here’s my short, last-minute pitch:

Not to be Debbie Downer, but America is in trouble. Our role as leader in world diplomacy is in jeopardy, as we are mired in two wars, both with no end in sight, neither of which has caused us to be held in very high-esteem by the rest of the world. Over the past eight weeks, our financial infrastructure has crumbled, seemingly getting worse and worse with each click of the “refresh” button on CNN.com. The national debt, at $10 trillion, is at a 53-year high (it was on its way down at $5.7 trillion when Bush II took office). From July to September of this year, the number of households that received at least one foreclosure notice was 766,000, an increase of 71% when compared to the same period last year (according to something called RealtyTrac). Gas prices, now dropping, were at an all time high three months ago, the same time Exxon Mobil recorded a then record-breaking $11.68 billion in profits (the record was broken just this past quarter, with news of a $14.83 billion profit).

In short, things are pretty fucked up. So here are two main reasons why you should vote for Barack Obama and Joe Biden:

1) The life expectancy of the average American male is 75.15. John McCain is 72. If elected, he’d be the oldest elected president in US history. At the end of his first term, McCain would be 76.

Do you know what we did when my grandpop turned 72? We took away his car keys. Sorry, grandpop – no more driving. You’re just too old. And unlike John McCain, my grandfather did not spend five-plus years of his life in a cage in Vietnam. Nor did he (presumably) spend his most of his life eating caviar drizzled with truffle oil at Washington high society functions. By 76, my grandpop was down to one foot and was regularly calling both me and my younger brother “Justin.”

So if John McCain were elected and – God forbid – anything should happen to him, the leader of our country and the entire free world would be a woman who went to four colleges in four years, is a few short years removed from being the mayor of a town of 6000, and – let’s just say it – is really, really, really dumb (A Short List of Things Sarah Palin Does Not Know: What EBITDA stands for; If North or South Korea is the bad one; Any Jewish, black or gay people).

Nevermind that John McCain proved himself a one of the world’s greatest hypocrites – a man who truly believes in “Country First” would never choose such a blatantly unqualified running mate only to stem the tide of the press that the opposing party was receiving – Sarah Palin, even with her one semester studying General Studies at Matanuska-Susitna College, is not qualified to be Vice President of the United States. If you’d like to argue this point with me, I’d be happy to engage in a debate with you – provided the institution has reasonable visiting hours and you find the time to stop riding your unicorn and talking to pixies for just a few minutes.

2) In July of this year when Barack Obama spoke in Berlin, Germany, some 200,000 people turned out to hear him speak. Two. hunna. thousand. John McCain’s camp immediately jumped on this, inferring that Barack Obama was a “celebrity.” This made no sense to me; so it’s a bad thing when people – people anywhere – are motivated by and have a stake in the political process? Really?

At the end of the first debate, Barack Obama said that his father came to America to make it, “because the notion was that there was no other country on Earth where you could make it if you tried. The ideals and the values of the United States inspired the entire world.” So my question: Do you guys think that people still feel this way about America? I don’t exactly travel abroad a lot, but I don’t think America is viewed as the great beacon of hope that it once was, this bastion of freedom and equality. In the world’s view, a vote for McCain/Palin is a vote for four more years of the policies that have divided the world diplomatically and nearly crippled it financially. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying we should do whatever foreigners say. If the Brits said, “America, you gotta get rid of hot dogs”, I’d tell those limey bastards to stick it where the sun don’t shine because I’m American and this is America and we don’t crap from nobody and “U-S-A! U-S-A!” But after eight years of decline by nearly every conceivable political measure, it’s time for a change. The best thing to come out of the Republican leadership in the past eight years has been Will Ferrell’s impression of George Bush – and he left SNL in 2002. If we fail to take this opportunity to move this country in a new, more positive direction, we will have only ourselves to blame.

************

George Bush “won” the presidency in 2000 and 2004 because he was able to mobilize the vote of the evangelical Christians by playing upon fear, fear of a Godless nation (first), fear of an enemy that was misunderstood (second), and fear that the morals and values of the American people were being undermined on all fronts (both times). Let the election of 2008 not be decided by those who are afraid, but by the young, by the angry, by the determined, and by the hopeful.

Vote Obama/Biden.