five
[* Since surpassed.]
I was introduced to blogging by my homosexual former officemate a few months before. He discovered the blog of the guy he was sleeping with, a guy who apparently had a boyfriend, and shared this blog with me; I had never heard of a blog previously. A few weeks later, he discovered another blog, one written anonymously by a gloriously gay temp working on a case of mine, a blog in which said temp detailed his triumphs and travails in the world of trading blowjobs for money (scandalous!).
Once I stopped masturbating to these websites fifteen weeks later, I decided I’d start my own blog. Before the development of blogging, I was the douchebag who, at the behest of his closest co-workers/friends, sent semi-regular “Let’s All Hit Up Happy Hour!” emails to sixty of his colleagues. I knew all of the colleagues – we were all legal assistants, all between ages of 22 and 25, and all drank together regularly – so it was not as d-baggish as it sounds, but these emails were very involved and detailed, relating mostly to my ex-wife and the battle for our son, Justice, and how I was determined to drink through the pain, with or without co-workers, until I had defeated Dina and Justice was living with me again.
(Did I mention that I was not getting laid a whole lot around this time?)
Blogging gave me a semi-legitimate outlet for my attention seeking. Though I liked my job, I felt the need for something more, and realized that as good as a Practice Development Analyst that I was, it was never going to get me a threesome. Still, I didn’t have any master plan when I started blogging (still hate that word); I just wanted something to kill time at work, to write jokes on, and, most importantly, use as a tool for revenge against ex-lovers and former friends.
And now, after five years, 930 posts, and 1,065,810 (!) words*; one TV deal, one huge mistake by a national magazine during a slow year for bachelors, and two book deals (though still no actual book); millions of hits, thousands of emails, and five blowjobs (though still no actual threesome – ladies, my 30th birthday is July 17, just so you know), and here we are. Which for me means sitting at my desk in LA, body half-covered in a rash that has been determined to be both a fungus AND a yeast, waiting for the clock to hit 5pm so that I can go home and have twelve to fifteen cans of PBR before passing out in my living room. Not sure where you are. But I hope it’s better.
[Clark from San Diego, Unofficial JM.com Archivist, provided these numbers, along with this information: "Your millionth word was actually 'toilet' in the 'Day Three' post of 13 JUN 08, in this sentence: 'I could have saved the effort for all parties involved and immediately walked my plate into the bathroom and dumped it into the toilet, and then punched myself in the stomach three times.' Talk about kismet. I can think of no better word to sum up not only this blog, but my entire life, than "toilet." Just, wow.]
[Also, your average book is anywhere from 60,000 to 100,000 words. If we take the middle number of 80,000 words, I've written the equivalent of 13.33 books. 13.33 really, really bad books, but enough material for 13.33 books nonetheless. Geez.]
I’d like to say “thank you” to y’all, but that would make me sound condescending. I mean, what am I thanking you for, making me the man I am today (see: rash, cheap cans of domestic beer)? I will express my thanks if and when I finally get that cocaine-filled swimming pool I’ve always wanted (again, my 30th is this July 17th).
So instead of thanks, let’s just both agree to keep on keepin’ on. No big fuss over the 5th birthday, which in blog years make this site about 58 years old. Let’s just quietly keep plugging away, until I’ve officially exhausted my store of dick/poop/fat/drinking/boobie jokes. I think I’ve got, oh, at least another two or three years before that happens.
(Fingers crossed.)
(And anyway, thanks for continuing to come on back.)
