This one put a smile on ol’ Uncle Jason’s face:

Hi Jason,

Back in 2006 I was out with a group of friends for a night of drinking and the subject of ‘what blogs do you read?’ came up. I was more than happy to share that I read your blog, as every single post made me laugh. I sent the link to one of the guys that was out that night the following week, he read it at work…and got a call from IT the next day telling him that the site was being blocked (congratulations?). When he emailed to tell me the story, it started a regular conversation between us…and, well, long story short – we’re getting married in September.

Although we’ve never met, we credit you for bringing us together with your words that are dirty enough to be banned by an IT department. Thought you’d like to know.

On that note, you’re a music loving guy…and we are not musically savvy- people. As the man that brought us together, what do you recommend as our first dance song?

Stacey

p.s – I grew up in Palos Verdes, and I can see why you’re not loving LA. There’s a reason I’m in NYC – hope you come back soon!

I must say, nothing makes me happier than bringing people together through profanity and jokes about masturbating into empty Pepsi cans on the internet. I have come to accept the fact that this is the reason that God put me on this earth. And I am totally, totally ok with this.

Now, I don’t know if you know this, Stacey, but I’m kind of psycho about my music (congratulations to you, by the way – all the best, remember to listen to each other, don’t sweat the small stuff, etc). As of this writing, I have 9216 songs in my iTunes library. I have spent the past two-plus years giving star ratings to each song, and now have only 188 songs in the entire library that do not have a rating. When I finish this task, my head is going to explode. Either that or I’m going to kill myself, seeing as I will no longer have a purpose in life. It’s fair to say that I’ve put more work into rating and organizing my music library than anything I’ve done in my life – and a few months ago I finished a goddamn book.

(And yes, I’m aware that I should probably talk to someone about this.)

But back to the question of the song for the first dance: I don’t think I need to get into the catalogues of Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra, the stand-by/go-to oldies (i.e. “I Only Have Eyes for You”, “Unchained Melody”, etc), or the songs that my mom would love me to use as my wedding song (think: Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Luther Vandross, etc). That being said, I also realize you don’t want to use a song that was recorded in a basement on a four-track by a group of hipsters living in a studio apartment on Ludlow Street; I must limit my indieness.

To that end, I’ve categorized the song suggestions below into three categories:

- Pretty Much Mainstream, which can be described as songs, or at least artists, that 95% of your wedding attendees will recognize;

- Kinda Mainstream, which are slightly deeper cuts, but won’t necessarily garner stares and make guests mouth the words “What the fuck is this?” to their dates; and

- Not So Mainstream, which may not be hipsters in the basement making music, but are songs that I can almost guarantee have not been used as first dance songs before (note: that doesn’t mean they are songs like “Me So Horny” or the Miami Vice Theme – these are still very appropriate songs, just less well-known).

That being said, what I recommend, Stacey, is downloading each of these songs, giving them a listen, and making a decision. Good luck to you and your fiancée, and in lieu of an invite, you can send me a handful of scallops and a piece of cake. I’ll send you my mailing address under separate cover.

(One penultimate note: The research for this got a little out of control. I clicked through about 3200 songs, judging each one’s First Dance-merit in about five seconds. The first go-round had almost 60 songs, which I whittled down to the 25 or so you see below. Of course I may have missed some, but I think this is a pretty solid collection to have come up with in about two days.)

(One final note: Aside from any omissions, one thing that I am guilty of is how many of these songs are man-centric. Now, they don’t talk about football and titties, but some of them are more “my love for you” than “our love.” This speaks to how selfish and egocentric I am when it comes to relationships, how it doesn’t really matter who the girl is, because I’m the more important one in the relationship. To wit, during a break-up conversation with an ex, I said something like, “I don’t know…it really doesn’t matter, does it, since there’ll always be someone, you know? I mean, I’m pretty sure that, thinking long-term here, I can marry just about anybody.” BOY was that the wrong thing to say. I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that I blurted that out without thinking of the possible repercussions, or that I believed – and still 100% believe – what I said. Looks like the jury’s come back with a verdict and I’m just not a good person. Such is life. At least I’m good at music.)

Now, the First Dance songs…

PRETTY MUCH MAINSTREAM

“Be Mine” David Gray
A great, all-around wedding song: good artist, good “sound,” easy to dance to, fitting lyrics (starts off with “From the very first moment I saw you, that’s when I knew/All the dreams I held in my heart, had suddenly come true”), simple theme (um, “Be mine”). In sports terminology, this would be described as a “can’t miss” prospect.

“Follow You Follow Me” Genesis
Gotta say – not a huge fan of this song. However, there’s no denying it sound purdy and would make a nice first dance song. This is all I’m gonna say about this one, since we’ve got a long way to go yet and I need to save my juice.

“Happy” Bruce Springsteen
I’ll tell you something: this was the best wedding song I’ve ever heard. My friends Mike and Lee, both big Springsteen fans, used this for their first dance. I, like many people in attendance, had never heard this one before, but there was an awestruck silence during the song and their dance – a powerful, moving, introspective moment sandwiched between hours of revelry and, for your truly, about a dozen little lobster cake hors d’oeuvres.

(Man, I love love.)

(And lobster cakes.)

“Spirit on the Water” Bob Dylan
Classy, old-school/jazzy toe-tapping song. This one is near perfect aside from one knock: it’s almost seven and a half minutes long. I hope you two are good dancers.

“Sweet Thing” Van Morrison
This, to me, is the quintessential love song. That is, of all the songs ever written about love, of all the songs that make me want to be in love, of all the songs that sound like love, this one, in my opinion, is the best. Classic song, classic artist. Can’t go wrong, until you remember that I have ejaculated about 800-1000 times while this song played. Then it gets all wrong. Really quickly.

“That’s How Strong My Love Is” Otis Redding
I had planned for this to be my wedding song for about twelve years, until I told my buddy Kyle this, who told our buddy Bob this, and guess what Bob and his wife Nydia’s song was when they got married? Yep, they completely stole my song. Good for them, though. Very happy for them. Very happy.

(Jagoffs.)

Another classic (though a little bit different), it almost sounds like wedding vows (“I’ll be the ocean so deep and wide/I’ll get out the tears whenever you cry/I’ll be the breeze after the storm is gone/To dry your eyes and love you warm”). Once, on a ride home from college when this song was on the radio, I mentioned to my mom that if I ever got married, I’d like this to be the song my wife and I dance to. She was surprised, confused, and then asked, “Are you going to marry a, um, country girl?” Um, do you mean a black girl, Mom? If that’s what you’re getting at, probably not. But thanks for checking.

“To Make You Feel My Love” Garth Brooks
A spectacular declaration of love and devotion (even if Garth Brooks’ voice irks me a little bit).

“Two of Us” The Beatles
Arguably my favorite Beatles song (though I think that “Sexy Sadie” probably gets the nod), a decidedly non-mancentric focus makes this one a front-runner. However, there’s one huge knock: because it stops and breaks, it’s pretty hard to dance to. So rather than dancing, you’re kinda standing and moving then stopping then moving then standing. If you can pull it off, more power to you. If not, move along.

KINDA MAINSTREAM

“The Book of Love” The Magnetic Fields
Poignant and touching, but ideally suited for a wedding filled with gays and/or theater-type people. Peter Gabriel did a more mainstream-sounding cover of the song, but I have not heard it.

“Hold You In My Arms” Ray Lamontagne
Even though I launched his music career, I’ve gotten over Ray a little bit. Still, this one holds up; the first time I heard it, I remember thinking, “I don’t understand how anyone can be within ten feet of a member of the opposite sex and not make out with them when this song comes on.” A ringing endorsement for a wedding first dance? Probably not. But the themes (“I could hold you in my arms forever”) make it work.

“I Want You” Tom Waits
Probably not a first dance song, but if I were creating a wedding CD, this is the closing song.

(Show of hands: do you know of any other overweight bearded men quickly approaching 30 who can list each song on their future wedding CD? Anyone?)

And while we’re here, a tangent: since the dawn of time, man has been playing music in front of woman in the singular hope of getting into her pants. In the same vein as my above pronouncement about “Sweet Thing”, I would say that this is the best song for a guy to perform for a woman in order to get her to take her shirt off. The reasons are tripartite: i) it’s short, so there’s no dragging on or room for “Jesus, he just keeps singing!”; ii) it’s a rather complicated arrangement, so not just any schmuck can play it – you actually have to be good at guitar; and iii) it’s song softly, so you don’t need a very strong voice, nor is there any chance of over-singing or the awkwardness that comes along with it. Trust me. It’ll work.

“It’s Impossible” Perry Como
My grandfather was a true old-school Irish-American Man (capital “M”), a hard-drinking, hard-working longshoreman and a bookie on the side (in addition to being a tremendous dancer). Every night when he came home drunk, he’d make my mom, then around age ten, play this song on the piano, while he sang along. Then he’d make a big bowl of vanilla ice cream with crème de menthe liquor poured all over it and go to bed.

He died when I was four, but the image of him standing the living room, bombed and belting this tune out while one of his six kids played the piano to accompany him, always puts a smile on my face (and really, seeing myself doing this in fifteen or twenty years is not entirely out of the question, though I’d go with caramel over crème de menthe).

Also, have I mentioned that it makes for a nice old-school wedding song?

“Stay Forever” Ween
A song that’s a little more upbeat and a little more fun, from the same guys who brought the world “Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down)”, “Bananas and Blow” and “Don’t Shit Where You Eat”. Don’t hold their other work against them, though; this is a great candidate (“And I wanna know, do you feel the same way?/’Cause if you do, I want to stay forever”) and sounds so dang pretty and soothing. Also, if chosen, your friends not at the wedding will ask, “What – you chose a Ween song as your first dance? Let me guess – was it ‘The HIV Song’?”

“Still” Elvis Costello
A spectacular declaration of love and devotion (and I like Elvis’ voice).

“You Are Too Beautiful” John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman
If you want something that says, “We are two classy people who are deeply in love and have excellent taste,” then go with this one. Coltrane’s sax and Hartman’s voice, I mean, it doesn’t get any better than this. One of only 100 or so five-star songs in my music library. Great, great song.

NOT SO MAINSTREAM

“Born for Me” Paul Westerberg
Pretty straight-forward: you were born for me. To be honest, now that I’m listening to it in full, this one makes a lot of sense – if not for all the “loneliest” talk in the beginning. Although most people don’t listen to the songs lyrics that closely, especially those at the beginning, anyway, so whatever.

“Buy You a Ring” Huffamoose
On second thought, this, like Old 97’s “Question,” is more of an engagement song than a wedding song. So forget it (but still worth a listen).

“Echo Park” Joseph Arthur
This is the most played song in my iTunes library, and will be my wedding song – I am going to hire Joseph Arthur to play this song at my wedding, I guarantee it – so please don’t pull a Bob and Nydia and steal it. More of an FYI. Thanks.

“I’ll Be Your Mirror” Clem Snide
Originally by the Velvet Underground, Clem does a breathtaking version of the song. May be a little slow, but really, it’s pretty wonderful, and, like “That’s How Strong My Love Is,” it sounds a bit like wedding vows (“I’ll be the wind, the rain and the sunset/The light on your door/To show that you’re home”).

“A King and a Queen” Okkervil River
I debated putting this one on here, but it’s worth a listen, even if it’s not exactly right. It’s a little sad and has a line that goes “Because honey, you’re murdering me,” but at the same time it has the whole king-queen/dramatic-eternal love thing going on. Again, this would be the long shot of the group, but how great the ending is (even if it is a little “Annabell Lee”; see: “lie by your side…” vs. “lay down by the side…” until the end of time, etc) makes it a viable dark horse candidate.

“Love and Some Verses” Iron and Wine
Like “Follow You Follow Me” above, not a huge fan of this one. But on paper, it works very well and I would be remiss if I didn’t include it.

“Perfect Lovesong” Divine Comedy
Quirky, fun, upbeat and downright charming. I mean, you’re looking for a First Dance song – how can you go wrong with one called “Perfect Lovesong?” It’s a little cheeky with the “We’ll stumble back to our hotel bed/And we’ll make love to each other/’Till we’re half-dead” line, but c’mon, we’re all adults here.

“Wagon Wheel” Old Crow Medicine Show
If this is your wedding song, I’m guessing there’s going to be a lot of barefoot dancing on grass and a lot of whiskey at your reception – and I mean this in the best possible sense (and if this is the case, I’m actually coming to the wedding). I’m thinking I’m due for a fairly significant nervous breakdown in the next two to five years, at which point I’ll move to the South and spend 80% of my time trying both to become a Southern gentleman and to find a Southern girl to wed, mostly because I like this song so much. You guys would honestly be the coolest couple ever if you used this song. Seriously.

“Wedding Bell” Beach House
Gorgeous, but perhaps a little too ambient. If you are distributing nitrous balloons at your wedding, this song will go over very, very well.

“When You Smile” The Flaming Lips
This one is never going to work, since if others have been hard to dance to, this one is impossible to dance to. But it’s really nice.

“Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell” Iggy Pop and The Stooges
Kidding! Just seeing if you’ve read this far.

************

Anyway, hope this helps, Stacey. If you have any questions, let me know. And if anyone has any other suggestions, send ‘em on in.