Earlier today, this site was down. The short answer why is that I didn’t pay the bill. The long answer why is because though the host company had a card on file to charge, that card was no longer active; a few months ago, I left my debit card in an ATM in a supermarket in Redondo Beach because I was in a hurry to beat the rush I saw developing at the Taco Bell across the street from the supermarket. Whoops. So I got a new card, the host company charged the old card, got rejected, and for a few hours, no site.

[This was made worse by the fact that neither I nor Site Guy Brendan had any idea what the hosting site's password is. I had to spent 30 minutes on the phone with a man who called me "Sir Jason" about two hundred times to get it fixed. What's funny is that all the security questions on the account are geared toward Brendan, so when I was asked what city I was born in and I answered Philadelphia, I was wrong (correct answer: Brooklyn, NY). The man then asked me what my mother's (but really Brendan's mother's) maiden name is, and I had to say, "I've got no idea - can I give you my social or address history or something?" The point: if this site every magically disappears for good, it's because I have really, really pissed off Site Guy Brendan.]

This was the first time I’ve been in the host deck of the site in a long, long time. Back in the old days, I was always logging in, in no small part because the host deck contained all the traffic numbers. There was a time in my life that I poured over this traffic numbers, analyzing swings in traffic, where they were coming from, and, ultimately masturbating over site hits until my penis cried “Mercy!” or I thought I hurt myself, whichever came first.

But now, five and a half years and well over a million words later, I don’t care as much about these things. Well, let me clarify: I care that y’all still keeping stopping by (remember, real-live HarperCollins-published book out March 2, 2010!), but I no longer get arousal and/or validation from it. I’m an elder statesman of this blog shit, for reals. Also, I more or less have no sex drive anymore. My previous 30th birthday wish was to have a threesome, but now it’s to be able to drink a beer after 9pm and not have to wake up three times during the night to piss.

(That 30th b-day is July 17, so mark your calendars.)

(And yes, I still have a lot of alcohol, drugs and money to throw around to make the b-day threesome happen.)

Yet being in the host deck also brought back another memory. See, the host deck is also where I find all the search terms entered into Google, Yahoo, etc that have brought people to this site. Years ago, a regular feature of the blog was a post in which I’d list all these strange and wonderful words or terms (a feature that was then stolen/borrowed/used by many, many others – not that I’m bitter). But again, I haven’t been in the host deck in a while, and so haven’t checked out these referrals. Until today, that is.

So before I get on that red-eye back to Philly tonight for fourteen glorious days on the east coast – including “Drink Until You Shit!” in North Wildwood, NJ on 7/13 – let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we? Below are real, actual terms entered by users of the web that brought those users to this site in June of 2009. In addition to learning that this site has become the world’s leading resource for getting out of jury duty, here are a few others in need of advice or information:

- cleaning lady sex [several variations, including "how to get brazilian cleaning lady to have sex" - good luck and godspeed, friend]

- sunburn swollen ankles

- indian bitches

- jason mulgrew gay [twelve hits - thanks a lot, guys]

- jason mulgrew cured from homosexuality [seriously, thanks]

- psychology of oral sex

- nervous poop

- kasey and october nude gymnasts [my new band name: "Kasey and the October Nude Gymnasts"]

- medical diaries on blackout drinking

- free sex gay beer [check, check, check, check]

- ways to get out of going to prison

- fat woman from jamaica fucking

- werewolf women

- olive garden get sued over chlamydia

- down with the brown and roethlisberger

- woman that want to fuck in sun city arizona

- how seduce coworker without actually hooking up

- girls fucking deodorant

- mark bulger penis

- roommate stink boxers [and also "smelling my roommate s boxers"]

- what is the best way to dispose of condoms secretly

And from the “You should probably talk to someone” department…

- should i let my friend reach down my pants and play with my penis if were in the locker room alone

- ok to dress like a woman

- third time having sex and still no pleasure is something wrong with me

- how do i calm my body so i can poop

- having an std conversation with your fiance

- my greek aunt masturbates me

- i had a threesome and now am so disgusted

- uncomfort in the genitals

- my bipolar boyfriend asks for handjobs even if i m not in the mood

- penile wounds teeth blowjob

- word keeping my dick in a tube straighten it?

(That last one: no. Trust me. And you’re welcome.)