hacker cyber
John and I are buddies (we went to high school together and regularly watched Eagles games together when I lived in NYC), but not Facebook chat buddies. In truth, I don’t really do the Facebook chat, since a lot of times I have Facebook up behind of my computer screens at work and I miss messages. But I digress. On this dreary morning, I was at the computer and got John’s Facebook chat.
“Hi.”
I wrote back, asking what’s going on, and he began to tell me a story. He was in London for part of the Christmas holiday with his parents and the previous night, he had gotten mugged at gunpoint. His wallet, credit cards and everything was stolen, except his passport. His parents continued on to other parts of Europe for their vacation and he could no longer reach them. He was stranded.
My first reaction was shock. My second reaction, being a true Man for Others, was how can I help? I asked if he contacted the police and the embassy and he said he did, but they were very unhelpful. He said that, honestly, the best way to help him would be to loan him some cash so he could get back to the States.
This is when the bullshit alarms started going off. I had no problem loaning the guy some cash, but it felt fishy, in no small part because in our little chat, John, a very well-educated young man, was misspelling a number of things. But hey – the guy was stuck in London, I thought. I’m sure spelling wasn’t the first thing on his mind (also, a number of my smart friends – and this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine – send me emails or IMs with grammar, spelling and syntax comparable to a second grader).
So I said that alright, I could help, and asked how much he needed. He said that it’s a little pricey, but $1100 should do.
“$1100!” I wrote back. As I mentioned in my post about my struggles with the IRS, I only keep about a grand in my checking and savings accounts at any given time. The rest is away in an ING account, which takes two business days to transfer funds. I do this because I can’t trust myself with money, especially while drunk. My formula is that I’m capable of spending around 25% of my bank funds on booze at any given time, whenever, wherever. That’s fine if I only have $1000 in the bank and I spend $250 of that. Not fine if that number gets to $500 or $1000 or more.
So I explained my situation to John. I had about $800 I could send him right away, but I simply didn’t have more on hand (privately, I thought to myself that I could break out an old credit card to live off of until Tuesday or Wednesday when the rest of the ING funds came through). How could I do this?
John then laid out in great detail how I could do it, to which Western Union I could send the money, how exactly I could send it, etc. This is when the bullshit alarms starting going off like mad. I studied abroad in London, and have been there a half-dozen times, so I’m a little familiar with the city. The Western Union that John suggested I send the money to was not in an area where a tourist might stay, like the West End or Leicester Square or Oxford Circus or Hyde Park or anything like that. The Western Union was instead somewhere super shady, or at least very out of the way (I can’t recall where exactly, but I think it was like Brixton or something).
Now catching on to the rouse, I told John that fine, I’d send the $800 right now. But I had one question first: name two science teachers from our old high school.
Naturally, if this was John, this would be a very, very easy thing to do. But this “John” said, “Come on, man. I am in troubel [sic] here.”
Fully convinced that John’s account had been hacked, likely by a Nigerian, I said, “I know, baby – but I’m just trying to protect myself. Just two science teachers is all.”
The guy said something about how he couldn’t think straight and I unloaded on him, calling him all sorts of names, and in the middle he logged off. I didn’t have John’s number, but I texted our mutual buddy Tracey and explained the story to him. John subsequently logged on to FB and sorted everything out.
A week or so later, I was still in NYC and out with friends when someone grabbed my shoulder. I turned around and heard “Feighan and Sheckus!” and it was John, at long last naming two of our high school science teachers. He asked for the $1100 at that point, but I told him I’d have to check with my accountant.
************
Fast forward to this morning. I had just logged on to Facebook as part of my morning turn-everything-on-for-the-day routine, when I got a Facebook chat IM from my friend Jamie. Jamie and I were friends in NYC, but she and I hadn’t spoken in a few years. She moved, I moved, and life continued (and no, we never made out).
But still, it was a pleasant surprise to hear from her, as she’s someone that I’d like to catch up with, see how she’s doing, brag about all the stuff I’ve got going on (mostly fantasy football preparation), etc.
Yet our conversation quickly took a turn, one that I was prepared for based on my experience with John. Below is the actual IM transcript.
Jamie (7:09am)
hello
hello
Jason (7:09am)
hi!
Jamie (7:09am)
are you there?
Jason (7:09am)
yep
my FB chat is kinda screwy today, methinks
what’s going on?
Jamie (7:10am)
i am in a bad fix over here
Jason (7:11am)
oh gosh – what’s wrong?
Jamie (7:11am)
i am stranded in London
Jason (7:11am)
what??!?!
what do you mtean “stranded”? what happened?
Jamie (7:12am)
yeah
got mugged at gun point last night
Jason (7:12am)
get the fuck out of here
where?
by whom?
did anything get stolen?
Jamie (7:13am)
all cash,credit card and phone was stolen
It was a Brutal Experience but Thank God i still have my life and passport saved
Jason (7:13am)
well good!
did you contact the embassy?
you can still get home, right?
Jamie (7:14am)
yeah
my return flight leaves in few hours but having troubles sorting out the hotel bills
really need your help
Jason (7:14am)
oh gosh
what can I do?
Jamie (7:14am)
wondering if you could loan me some few $$ to sort out the hotel bills and also take a cab to the airport
Jason (7:15am)
of course!
how much are we talking here?
Jamie (7:16am)
about $700
Jason (7:16am)
wow
that’s a lot of money
Jason (7:17am)
but hey, I think I owe you something for all those times you came over late at night when we were back in NYC
Jamie (7:17am)
i understand
Jason (7:17am)
you really could handle a D, girl
Jamie (7:18am)
i promise to refund you once i get back
Jason (7:18am)
oh, I’d like a little something more than that
we should give it another try
or at least, i don’t know, go upstart again and just get wild on each other for a weekend
*upstate
not upstart
(sorry, getting a little excited and my spelling is suffering!!!)
what do you think?
Jamie (7:19am)
i can promise to refund you once i get back
Jason (7:19am)
yeah, and that’s fine
not concerned about that
remember those boots you used to wear?
man, those were really fucking hot
I keep trying to get my wife to wear something like them, but she’s a total prude
ice bitch
Jamie (7:20am)
if you can send the money, i can tell you how to do it
Jason (7:20am)
oh come on, girl – I’m just playing
you used to LOVE to play
I gotta say, even though I’m at work, I’m getting a lil’ bit of a chubber
let’s talk a little shit – might calm you down
Remember when you just to make me say, “One of People’s 50 hottest bachelors is giving it to you right now!!!”
Jason (7:21am)
I’m sorry, that was wrong of me
Jamie is no longer online. The following was not sent:
I’m sorry, that was wrong of me (send as a message)
************
Hey, nothing wrong with a little cyber sex to start your Wednesday morning.
