On the eve of the start of football season (well, not really the “eve” exactly, but close to it), below – because I know you care – are all the players that I have on my four fantasy football teams.

QBs: Tom Brady, Jason Campbell, Jay Cutler, David Garrard, Matt Hasselbeck, Peyton Manning, Kurt Warner (two teams)

WRs: Donnie Avery, Anquan Boldin, Dwayne Bowe (two teams), Antonio Bryant, Lauverneus Coles, Donald Driver, Larry Fitzgerald, Devin Hester (two teams), Santonio Holmes, DeSean Jackson, Calvin Johnson, Lance Moore, Randy Moss (two teams), Eddie Royal, Kevin Walter, Roy Williams

RBs: Joseph Addai, Marion Barber (two teams), Cedric Benson, Matt Forte, Ryan Grant, Jamal Lewis (two teams), Marshawn Lynch, LeSean McCoy, Knowshon Moreno, Willie Parker, Clinton Portis, Ray Rice (two teams), Steve Slaton, Kevin Smith, Darren Sproles, Jonathan Stewart, Chester Taylor, Fred Taylor, Beanie Wells (two teams), Carnell Williams (three teams)

TEs: John Carlson, Antonio Gates, Tony Gonzalez (two teams), Visante Shaincoe

Ks: Chris Brown, John Carney, Nick Folk, Nate Kaeding

DEFs*: New England, NY Jets (two teams), Washington, Seattle

(*One of my four leagues requires that we start two DEF each week. Otherwise, I’d never carry two DEF on a team.)

I’m sure you didn’t read most of that, but the point is that to play it safe, I’m just going to root both for and against every NFL player this season. Jesus Christ. I do four leagues because there’s tradition to each and each is unique: one is my main league that I’ve been doing for nine years; one is my buddy Kyle’s that I’ve been doing for four or five; one is an “experimental” league that started only last year but is cool/fun/deep; and the last is my agent’s league, and, well, let’s face it – I need to keep him in my life for as long as possible, since there’s absolutely no business reason for him to keep me around.

But really, this is why I don’t like fantasy football. Not only is it all about luck, but the universe of players and positions is small, so that if you play in two or more leagues, there are going to be several times when you have a guy or two playing for you in a one league but that same guy or two is playing against you in another league. Ugh. So much confusion.

Since we’re here, allow me to indulge further and provide my team names, with explanations:

- ZZ Top Dirty Rapers (Iron Sheik): Discussed before, but this is some of the funniest shit I’ve ever heard and totally worth the ten minutes (you can minimize, because you don’t need to watch the video). This team name specifically comes around the 8:30 mark, courtesy of Norm MacDonald, though you kinda have to listen to the whole thing to get the joke.

- lil’ brown hairs (Kyle’s league): “lil’ brown hairs everywhere – ‘you nasty, twin!” – I’un care!” (RIP, Pun.)

- “shut it” (experimental league): About a month ago, some model here in LA went missing, then was found stuffed in a suitcase with her teeth and fingertips missing (but wait, it gets better). She eventually was ID’ed by the serial number on her breast implants (but wait, it gets better). Her murderer was her husband who eventually fled to Canada and killed himself, but who, prior all this, was on a VH1 reality dating show (but wait, it gets better). After the model went missing, her friends, including her ex-boyfriend texted her; the husband/murderer answered the ex-boyfriend’s text from the victim’s phone, presumably while dismembering her body, with the simple response: “shut it.” This is how the ex knew something was seriously wrong. These are the things I will miss about California.

- The Jersey Stranger (agent’s league): (n) the process of masturbation by which a man sticks his arm out of the shower and around the shower curtain and masturbates, therefore giving the impression that a stranger, likely from New Jersey, is reaching into the shower and masturbating him. Origin: unknown, but I heard a friend say it once and am sort of championing this expression.

(Having secured myself a spot in the eighth level of Hell for talking so much about my fantasy teams, I’ll stop now. Thank you for your cooperation.)

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My friends and I joke that there are five levels of bets. Each level corresponds with how strongly one feels about that particular bet/game, which is represented by what one would be willing to bet on that game. For example, the highest level, the one that means “I can’t have more confidence in this bet,” is Mortgage (as in, “I’d bet my mortgage that Atlanta doesn’t cover.”) The lowest/least confident level is Beer, as in, “Sure, whatever – give me the Giants at -6.5 for beer.” Get it?

That being said, with the excitement of football now being upon us and because I’m going to Vegas next weekend, some quick football picks:

MORTGAGE
- Dal -5.5 TB
- Phi -1 CAR

PAYCHECK*
- CLE +4 Min
- Buf +10.5 NE
- Det +13 NO

STEAK DINNER
- OAK +9 sd
- GB -3.5 Chi
- NYG -6.5 Was

CASE O’ BEER
- kc +13 BAL
- nyj +4.5 HOU
- IND -7 Jax
- SEA -9 stl

BEER
- ATL -4 Mia
- CIN -4.5 Den
- ARI -6 sf

* Over the past few years, I’ve sometimes used a system which relies on the following: “Take the three teams getting the most action and best against them.” I’ve sworn up and down that this works, but I’ve never really kept track – until this season. While you and I both know I’m not nearly disciplined enough to do this on this here website, every week I’m going to bet against the three teams getting the most action and note how I fare. This week, 78% of people are taking Minn -4, 71% are taking NE -10.5, and 70% are taking NO -10, so I’m taking the opposite. The one I feel least confident about is betting against NE, but one of the best rules of gambling is that the majority of people are idiots. With the break even being a 55% correct rate, a system is a success with anything above, say, 60%. If I never pick a single game on here again, I’ll be keeping track offline and let you know how it turned out at the end of the season.

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With that, please enjoy one of my favorite weekends of the year. On Sunday, I’ll be standing outside a bar in Santa Monica at 8:30am, wearing a Randall Cunningham jersey, waiting for it to open. By 11am, I’ll either be having a blast or desperately missing the NFL package. Let’s hope it’s the former.