Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Mulgrew Men will be Conquering America: in exactly one month, my dad and I will be driving across the country to move me back to NYC.

You may recall that we made the east-to-west drive last May, in order to get me and my shit from NYC to LA. This time, well, we’ll be doing the reverse. However, my younger brother, Dennis, who played such an important role in the drive last time (what with all his sleeping and reading books in Spanish and listening to music that sounded like hate-fucking), will regrettably not be joining us. His excuse is something about not being able to get out of law school classes or whatever. Um, hello? This is the among the worst times in American history to be in law school, so you think missing a week’s worth of classes is going to matter? Probably not.

So it’ll just be my dad and I, a man and his failure of a first-born son, cutting a slice through the heart of this great country en route to Philadelphia, PA (I’ll spend Thanksgiving weekend there before heading up to NYC). We plan to leave on Friday, November 20, and spend that night in Vegas, since my dad has never been and he really, really should see it. Then, we’re off, with the goal of getting to Philly by Thanksgiving day, or preferably the day before. There are four possible options for our itinerary after leaving Vegas:

1) Through Utah and Colorado, taking the middle road on I-70 (2761 miles)

Pros: This is the most direct route, and the one I’d most like to take. Potential stops could include Denver, KCMO, St. Louis, Indianapolis, and all the lovely places in between, many of which I’ve never been before. It would give us a different look of the country, taking us through the heartland.

Cons: However, while I’d kill to get back to Denver, there’s no way we’re taking this route. I’m not a trucker, but something tells me that driving over the Rockies in Utah and Colorado in late November – even in a car as trusty as my 1996 Lincoln Town Car – is probably not the wisest decision. Compounded by my recurring nightmare about me dying in a car accident in which the car goes off a mountain and, um, no thanks.

2) To Albuquerque to OKC then through St. Louis, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio and Pennsylvania (2780 miles)

Pros: This is the most direct non-Rockies route. My dad loved New Mexico, and then we could head a bit north into that unfamiliar stretch of Missouri, Illinois, etc.

Cons: No real big mountains here, but weather is a concern. Maybe in his old age, my dad is getting more cautious. Or maybe he’s concerned that a storm would limit his access to bathrooms. But in our preliminary discussions about the trip, he’s expressed a lot of concern about the impact of the weather. So while this is the route I’m pushing for, if the weather forecast doesn’t look good, we’re not going to take it.

3) To Albuquerque then I-40 with a stop in Nashville before curving up towards Philly (2872 miles)

Pros: My dad, brother and I all loved Nashville, probably because it’s a terrific town. A night there would make for a fun time. Also, this is the most southern route, so weather concerns would be mitigated, if only a little bit.

Cons: Virginia. This is the route we took on the drive out to LA, in which my dad got a ginormous speeding ticket in VA, which required getting a lawyer and spending a shit-ton of money to get resolved. Not cool. Also, perhaps it would be better to not take the very same route we took before. Maybe, I don’t know, see a little different parts of the country? Really, who drives across the country twice and takes the exact same route both ways?

4) Vegas to Austin to New Orleans to Nashville to Philly (3493 miles)

Pros: Did you read that itinerary? So then do I even need to explain? We couldn’t do each city on consecutive nights (Vegas to Austin is 1300 miles, for example, though it’s a little over 500 between Austin and NOLA and NOLA and Nashville), but boy, would this be a fun (and expensive) trip. Also, the weather should be fine this far south.

Cons: This is a pipe dream. Remember, we’ll be pulling out of Vegas sometime on Saturday, November 21. We want to be in Philly by early Thursday, November 26, at the very latest. Throw in holiday traffic and I don’t think there’s any way we could pull this off. However, if I had a few more days at my disposal, I would definitely 100% absolutely positively do this. Good god. Gentlemen, if you’re looking for a unique bachelor party idea and your friends love you enough to take a week’s vacation for you, I can’t see how much better than it can get than this (starting in LA and ending in NYC, with all due respect to my beloved Philly).

So it looks like it’s going to be either route 2 or route 3, depending on the weather. To be determined…

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Last time we did the drive, you guys gave me a ton of good suggestions, many of which I was able to use. Then we I finally got to LA, I recapped the trip on here. But this time, I’m going to do it a little differently. Instead of getting all your suggestions pre-trip and printing out a folder full of emails (and getting 150 miles passed a city and realizing, “Wait – Bob from Little Rock says the best BBQ in America is in Russellville!”), and then writing long, laborious recaps when I’ve reached my final destination, I will be using Twitter in real-time to detail our journey and (hopefully) take any of your hints or suggestions. Like I said, I’m back on Twitter, which was seemingly made for something like detailing a cross-country drive and interacting with people who can give some local insight. So when the time comes, I’ll remind you to follow me on there (which you can do now, if you like).

Until then, I have 31 days left in Los Angeles, 31 days that will be filled with those things I will miss about LA. (So, In-N-Out burgers, and, um, uh, wow…I guess just In-N-Out burgers. Although I do like the nachos and the red beer at Redondo Beach Brewing Company.) Still, it will be an action-packed month, what with packing, finding an apartment (which entails a week in NYC), hosting my sister and cousin and then my dad, and saying goodbye to some friends. However, I’m not into the whole “goodbye” thing, since there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be back in LA in January, and I’ll definitely be back in March or April after the book is released, and will likely come back at least once or twice a year for the near future. So there’s that.

But right now, I must focus. Time to pour over Google maps, to make sure the Lincoln is in tip-top shape, to start thinking about what I’m packing and what I’m throwing away. After 17 months in self-imposed “rehab,” I’m 31 days away from being released back into the general population of New York Effing City.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned.