My book is out today, now available everywhere. I am officially a real-live author. Terrific.

But, much like I have counted on you in the past for assistance (mostly related to make-outs, music recommendations, and fantasy baseball tips), I call upon you once more, my friends, as the battle is only half won. Yes, having a book actually in the stores and available from online retailers is a big, big step. A vital step, really. But as many of you know, my ultimate goal is nothing short of fame, fortune, a few (incredibly awkward) orgies, and a drug dealer with whom I have a “regular.”

(Wait, I kinda already have that last one. Although I think he’s dead or in jail or something because I haven’t heard from him in weeks.)

In order to help achieve this goal, I humbly ask for your help. There are two ways that you can make all of our dreams come true.

Buy a copy.
Seriously. This would help.

If you have the means, I would even suggest buying two, as the book makes a great gift for any person in your life who likes reading but not reading really hard stuff and enjoys seeing some pictures and maybe even laughing a little bit. Also, reasonably educated stoners. I bet they would like the book, too. And people who have “crazy” families.

So basically people who like to read but not read, like to laugh, like to look at pictures, possibly are stoners, and may or may not have a crazy family. It’s a wide demographic, really.

You pimp the shit of that book.
Few things need more help to succeed and “pimping” than a little old book. There are no TV commercials for books. No huge billboards on the side of the road. No sports sponsorships (“The 15th Annual Everything Is Wrong With Me Match Play Championship in Tucson, AZ”). Nothing. A book success depends almost entirely on those who read it and recommend it to others.

So if you:

- Have a blog

- Have a Facebook, Twitter or MySpace (other social network stuff that I don’t even know about) account

- Are in a book club

- Are an active member of an online community that uses messageboards

- Have a family, co-workers or friends

I ask that you consider recommending the book.

You can think of it in terms of a geometric progression (says the guy who scored so low in the math portion of his first PSAT that he didn’t get a number but rather the word “RETARDED”). Let’s say you recommend the book via email to ten friends. Of those ten, let’s say five completely ignore the email. Two read the email, but don’t buy the book, as they have severe drug problems and can’t afford it, even though it’s incredibly reasonably priced. And three actually buy the book.

Let’s say further that two of those three really enjoy the book (but let’s be honest, it’s going to be three of three). Those two then recommend the book to ten each of their friends. Then, the cycle repeats. Maybe one person who likes it uses it for his/her book club. Maybe another tweets it to his/her followers. Maybe another writes a review and includes the cover of the book in his/her blog. More geometric progression. More people. More success and thus more potential for orgies with, like, a ton of smoking hot ethnic chicks.

So I ask you, friends, to pimp the shit out of my book. Put it on your blog and your Facebook, Twitter and MySpace pages. Suggest it for your book club. Write about it in your messageboards. Write a quick email to your friends, family or co-workers (or, if you got one from me today, forward it on). These are small, easy steps that you can take that can have a profound effect.

I know that it may sound corny or fairytale-ish, but this is really how this stuff happens. To wit, two weeks into its existence I emailed this here blog to a dozen or so buddies. Six years and about 200 million hits later, here we are. So you gotta trust me when I say that word of mouth is the igniter of revolutions, the launching pad for careers, and the starting point for the aforementioned orgy parties.

(One thing that’s important, if you so choose to pimp: please be sure to include the link to order the book, which is here: http://tinyurl.com/eiwwme. The goal is to make the book as easy to purchase as possible, and you can’t make it much easier than including a link that takes you right to the Amazon page.)

And what, you might ask, is in it for you? As of now, I can only offer you two things. The first is my thanks and heartfelt gratitude. Not great, I know, but it’s all I have right now. I’m working on other stuff, but you live so far away.

The other thing I can offer you is a promise. A promise that, if I should get any real fame or celebrity out of this, I will be the best effing famous person I could possibly be. I have all key elements to make it work: self-destructive, mildly socially anxious, very fertile (extremely fertile, actually), occasional displays of sociopathic behavior, dangerously low self-esteem – yet while still being (dare I say) humble and (some would say) a nice guy. The one tiny thing that’s lacking is, you know, the fame part. But we’re working on that.

So, friends, godspeed. Together, we are unstoppable; we always have been, and we will continue to be. Now let’s start pimping the shit out of this book and start putting together a solid orgy playlist. (I’m not sure if it’s more of a Sigur Ros thing or an Andrew WK thing. Suggestions welcome.)