saving paul stanley
5 May 2010
For the past several years, my buddy Brian and I have had a running private joke about Paul Stanley of Kiss, particularly Paul’s daily struggles to repress his extreme homosexuality. It is our contention that Paul is one of the world’s most closeted homosexuals (I mean, have you seen the guy in the past, oh, thirty years?) but in order to maintain the rock image of his awful band, he must put forth his own image of an ultra-heterosexual womanizer, which he, obviously, does not do very well.
Now, to be clear: we do not have this joke because we are making fun of Paul for being gay. Brian and I are not – in any way, shape or form – homophobes. I personally love the gays. Hell, I might even be gay (I guess I’ll find out soon enough). The crux of the joke is that we want to help Paul let it go, to free himself, and to come out to the world. Because it’s ok, Paul. You have nothing left to prove. You win, Paul. Now win your true self.
I can’t begin to get into how complex this joke has become over the years – there’s a gay panic room in his home that Paul retreats to when he’s feeling threatened; there are pre-show conversations between Gene and Paul about how Gene coaches Paul on how to say straight things (“And then say, ‘How many ladies want to get licked’ – they’ll love that”); there is a gay intervention led by Judas Priest singer Rob Halford, who shares his story about being a gay metal god, etc – at this point, the joke is more complicated than the “Da Vinci Code.” But, needless to say, Brian and I have gotten years of enjoyment out of it, and after three or so beers, it’s only a matter of time before we start talking about it.
One pivotal role that Brian, he of oodles of free time at work, has played is searching the internet for and then emailing me the absolute gayest pictures of Paul Stanley ever photographed. I’ll be in my office, on the phone, and see a picture of Paul Stanley in a pink outfit licking his lips (with a caption provided by Brian, something like “Being true to yourself is the ultimate freedom, Paul”) suddenly pop up in my inbox, at which point I’ll have to close my office door to hide my laughter. The picture searching and emailing has only developed in the past few months, but I’d say that about once a week for the past six or so months, Brian has sent me an extremely gay picture of Paul Stanley, failing to repress his homosexuality. That’s a lot of gay Paul Stanley pictures.
About a month ago, after sending me one such picture, Brian and I were talking on the phone when he said, “I just realized something – could you imagine if I got laid off, and the tech guys found dozens of these Paul Stanley pictures on my computer? I could picture the tech guy sitting at my computer, finding the folder with all these pictures, and saying to everyone in the office, ‘Uh, you guys might want to have a look at this…’”
Well, guess what happened?
Two weeks ago, Brian got laid off. Yep. His company was downsizing and they eliminated his position. He took it pretty well, so he and I were discussing his next steps over some beers when I said, “Well, with all this free time, maybe you can write a play about Paul Stanley’s journey. You know, to raise awareness and ultimately help Paul?” Brian laughed, and then looked at me, alarmed, and said, “Dude – the pictures!”
Fortunately, Brian was allowed to get back into his office and get access to computer to remove his personal files. He can’t say for certain whether anyone at his work had discovered the folder, but at least no one stopped him in the elevator and said, “So, dude, are you, like, in love with Paul Stanley or something? Because what you had on your computer was really fucking weird.”
Rather than save the Paul Stanley photos to an external hard drive or something (that seems like a ton of work), Brian sent me some of his favorites in an email titled simply, “Keep the dream alive.” So in honor of Brian’s non-employment and, as always, to help Mr. Stanley, below are some of the best of the best gay pictures of Paul Stanley.
Freedom is just three little words away, Paul. Say them, Paul, just say them. It’s time.
Now, to be clear: we do not have this joke because we are making fun of Paul for being gay. Brian and I are not – in any way, shape or form – homophobes. I personally love the gays. Hell, I might even be gay (I guess I’ll find out soon enough). The crux of the joke is that we want to help Paul let it go, to free himself, and to come out to the world. Because it’s ok, Paul. You have nothing left to prove. You win, Paul. Now win your true self.
I can’t begin to get into how complex this joke has become over the years – there’s a gay panic room in his home that Paul retreats to when he’s feeling threatened; there are pre-show conversations between Gene and Paul about how Gene coaches Paul on how to say straight things (“And then say, ‘How many ladies want to get licked’ – they’ll love that”); there is a gay intervention led by Judas Priest singer Rob Halford, who shares his story about being a gay metal god, etc – at this point, the joke is more complicated than the “Da Vinci Code.” But, needless to say, Brian and I have gotten years of enjoyment out of it, and after three or so beers, it’s only a matter of time before we start talking about it.
One pivotal role that Brian, he of oodles of free time at work, has played is searching the internet for and then emailing me the absolute gayest pictures of Paul Stanley ever photographed. I’ll be in my office, on the phone, and see a picture of Paul Stanley in a pink outfit licking his lips (with a caption provided by Brian, something like “Being true to yourself is the ultimate freedom, Paul”) suddenly pop up in my inbox, at which point I’ll have to close my office door to hide my laughter. The picture searching and emailing has only developed in the past few months, but I’d say that about once a week for the past six or so months, Brian has sent me an extremely gay picture of Paul Stanley, failing to repress his homosexuality. That’s a lot of gay Paul Stanley pictures.
About a month ago, after sending me one such picture, Brian and I were talking on the phone when he said, “I just realized something – could you imagine if I got laid off, and the tech guys found dozens of these Paul Stanley pictures on my computer? I could picture the tech guy sitting at my computer, finding the folder with all these pictures, and saying to everyone in the office, ‘Uh, you guys might want to have a look at this…’”
Well, guess what happened?
Two weeks ago, Brian got laid off. Yep. His company was downsizing and they eliminated his position. He took it pretty well, so he and I were discussing his next steps over some beers when I said, “Well, with all this free time, maybe you can write a play about Paul Stanley’s journey. You know, to raise awareness and ultimately help Paul?” Brian laughed, and then looked at me, alarmed, and said, “Dude – the pictures!”
Fortunately, Brian was allowed to get back into his office and get access to computer to remove his personal files. He can’t say for certain whether anyone at his work had discovered the folder, but at least no one stopped him in the elevator and said, “So, dude, are you, like, in love with Paul Stanley or something? Because what you had on your computer was really fucking weird.”
Rather than save the Paul Stanley photos to an external hard drive or something (that seems like a ton of work), Brian sent me some of his favorites in an email titled simply, “Keep the dream alive.” So in honor of Brian’s non-employment and, as always, to help Mr. Stanley, below are some of the best of the best gay pictures of Paul Stanley.
Freedom is just three little words away, Paul. Say them, Paul, just say them. It’s time.
Totally, 100% heterosexual
You know what this guy loves? Vagina. And Glee.
I want to rock you! Particularly if you are a brown-skinned twink!
Moistening his finger to turn the page on that month's issue of Pictures of Penises for the Closeted Gay
A painting, yes, but it captures the true essence of Paul Stanley (I actually contacted the woman in Florida who painted this and tried to buy it to give to Brian for his birthday, but she wasn't selling)
