(via nataliedee.com)

A lady love of mine emailed me this picture today, because it sent her into hysterics. I’ll explain.

As you might imagine – and I’m sure many of you imagine this quite a lot – I am a very, ahem, unique lover. Not so much in the actual execution of the love-making – I’ve written before that my process of seduction is i) start making out, ii) count (in my head) to 30, and iii) stick it in – but rather in everything surrounding the love-making, including how to make it happen. Which, I guess for our purposes, we’ll call my Arsenal (with a capital A, of course).

For example, one of my perhaps less-endearing go-to’s in my Arsenal is derived from the theme song of the Monday Night Football, which climaxes (get it?) with Hank Williams, Jr. bellowing, “Are you ready for some football???” (If you are not familiar with the song, you can go to the 45 second mark in this video to hear the line in question. Also, welcome to Earth.)

When I am in the mood for sexual intercourse, I will often announce this to whatever lady love I am involved with by imitating Hank and scream-singing at her (wait for it), “Are you ready for some fucking???” There is also almost always a dance involved, sometimes in the nude, and occasionally I will add lyrics after this line (“We’re gettin’ ready to do it!” or “We’re gonna get really naked!”). Then, hopefully, the love-making. This song has been my mating call for almost the entirety of my sexually active life. Charming, I know.

(And ladies, please try not to swoon at the thought of a chubby, bearded guy seducing you by dancing around naked and singing, “Are you ready for some fucking?” And they say romance is dead.)

Anyway, back to the picture. One of the characters I’ve been doing for a number of years is Babushka. For those not familiar with the term, a babushka is both a scarf tied under the chin like the one in the pic above, and it’s also the Russian word for “grandmother.” Now, I hate to use the word “character” – there is nothing worse than a funny person discussing the characters they do; it’s so douchy, it’s cringe-worthy, but just roll with it – but ever since college (or thereabouts) what I’ll do is grab a towel, tie it around my head like a babushka, and go up to friends impersonating a gypsy or old Russian woman, saying “Babushka? Babushka?” over and over again in a beseeching/imploring tone, and more or less claw at them like I’m begging for money. This can last for a really, really long time, and usually only ends with them walking out of the room or pushing me away or saying, “I get it! It’s not funny anymore! Fucking knock it off!” I do this to everyone; everyone knows I do it; it’s just one of my things. I think it’s hilarious; others, sometimes not so much.

How does this relate to my Arsenal, you ask? Let me give you a scenario. Say I’m at a wedding or something with a lady love and we are in a hotel room. Say for whatever reason, I become aroused and want to have sex. Instead of initiating sex by, say, kissing the lady love or even walking up to her and poking her in the back or leg or arm with my semi-erect penis, I’ll instead walk into the hotel bathroom, strip nekkid, take a (dry) hotel washcloth, wrap it around my penis as a babushka would wrap around one’s head, and walk out of the bathroom with my babushka bird in my hand, and then start the imploring/beseeching “Babushka? Babushka?” pleas, as if my penis were begging for money or help or some lovin’. Then, hopefully, the love-making.

(And I know what you’re thinking – I should never, ever be monogamous, because I owe it to God, earth and all of womankind to provide this experience to as many females as possible.)

So today, when this lady love came across the above picture, she cracked up pretty good because, well, I mean, it looks like a penis wrapped up in a babushka. And so, like many women before her, she thought of my bird, and she laughed. A lot. Hysterically.

What are you gonna do.

[Happy Friday!]