Articles Archive for July 2010
Six Songs
“Gentle on My Mind” Glen Campbell
I dip my cup of soup back from a gurglin’ cracklin’ cauldron
In some train yard
My beard a rustlin’ coal pile
And a dirty hat pulled low across my face
Through cupped hands ’round a tin can
I pretend to hold you to my breast and find
That you’re waitin’ from the back roads
By the rivers of my memory
Ever smilin’, ever gentle on my mind
I mean, they just don’t make them like this anymore.
“Dancing on My Own” Robyn
The amount of naked dancing I do alone in the apartment to this song is, frankly, dangerous.
(Yes, dangerous. If you were to see this naked dancing, you’d understand completely.)
“Where’d All the Time Go?” Dr. Dog
This whole album, Shame, Shame, is so incredible (and not just because it is the subtitle of my next memoir) that it’s hard to pick just one song to recommend. But this one gets the nod, if only because I love the line, “You know I get so forgetful/When I look in your eyes” (you guys know I’m a sucker for the sweet stuff). However, if you’re looking for something with a little more oomph to put a pep in your step, check out “Stranger.” Either way, lots of goodies, and a fun summer-listenin’ album through and through.
(See? Look at that value – two recs for the price of one!)
“My Sympathy” Kurt Vile
What a weird, lovely little song by someone whose name makes him sound less like a folk musician and more like a WWE villain.
“Atlas” Wood Brothers
I have no idea how this song ended up in my iTunes, and I feel like I should hate it, mostly because these are almost certainly the type of guys who wear fedoras. But, alas, I dig it. I dig it lots.
“Learnalilgivinanlovin” Gotye
Likewise, no idea where this one came from – never heard of this band, or anything that sounds like this (kinda Motown-ish wherein the singer’s just beltin’ it out). Great music listen to while washing the dishes, making a stiff drink before a big night out, or if you’ve just done something really, really terrible and immediately want to forget about it. Especially good for that last one.
************
Finally, tomorrow, I will turn the incredibly unexciting age of 31. I’m pretty bummed about it, if for no other reason than because I put a lot of effort into getting my long-time birthday wish – a threesome – as a 30th birthday present, but to no avail. Something tells me that “Hey, I’m turning 31 and really want to have a threesome!” isn’t going to get it done. So that sucks.
But in lieu of a threesome, there is one thing that you could get me for my birthday to make it magical: buy my book, if you have not already done so. In this scenario, everyone wins – you get a book, I get a book sold, and, well, I guess that’s it. But that’s a pretty good outcome.
And if you have already bought the book, fear not! You can always buy it as a gift, or at least give it a nice review on Amazon/Good Reads/etc or take a minute to recommend it to friends via email/Facebook/Twitter/etc. As I’ve said before, there are no major marketing campaigns for books, and so they depend almost entirely on word of mouth. So far, I have you to thank for spreading the word about the book. But with football season – and its incumbent gambling losses – just around the corner, it’s more important than ever to keeping pimping out the book.
So next time a friend asks you if you’ve read any good books lately, remember to say, “Well, not really, but I did read this book that was cheap and pretty short – and it had some funny pictures…”
[Have a good weekend]
“Gentle on My Mind” Glen Campbell
I dip my cup of soup back from a gurglin’ cracklin’ cauldron
In some train yard
My beard a rustlin’ coal pile
And a dirty hat pulled low across my face
Through cupped hands ’round a tin can
I pretend to hold you to my breast and find
That you’re waitin’ from the back roads
By the rivers of my memory
Ever smilin’, ever gentle on my mind
I mean, they just don’t make them like this anymore.
“Dancing on My Own” Robyn
The amount of naked dancing I do alone in the apartment to this song is, frankly, dangerous.
(Yes, dangerous. If you were to see this naked dancing, you’d understand completely.)
“Where’d All the Time Go?” Dr. Dog
This whole album, Shame, Shame, is so incredible (and not just because it is the subtitle of my next memoir) that it’s hard to pick just one song to recommend. But this one gets the nod, if only because I love the line, “You know I get so forgetful/When I look in your eyes” (you guys know I’m a sucker for the sweet stuff). However, if you’re looking for something with a little more oomph to put a pep in your step, check out “Stranger.” Either way, lots of goodies, and a fun summer-listenin’ album through and through.
(See? Look at that value – two recs for the price of one!)
“My Sympathy” Kurt Vile
What a weird, lovely little song by someone whose name makes him sound less like a folk musician and more like a WWE villain.
“Atlas” Wood Brothers
I have no idea how this song ended up in my iTunes, and I feel like I should hate it, mostly because these are almost certainly the type of guys who wear fedoras. But, alas, I dig it. I dig it lots.
“Learnalilgivinanlovin” Gotye
Likewise, no idea where this one came from – never heard of this band, or anything that sounds like this (kinda Motown-ish wherein the singer’s just beltin’ it out). Great music listen to while washing the dishes, making a stiff drink before a big night out, or if you’ve just done something really, really terrible and immediately want to forget about it. Especially good for that last one.
************
Finally, tomorrow, I will turn the incredibly unexciting age of 31. I’m pretty bummed about it, if for no other reason than because I put a lot of effort into getting my long-time birthday wish – a threesome – as a 30th birthday present, but to no avail. Something tells me that “Hey, I’m turning 31 and really want to have a threesome!” isn’t going to get it done. So that sucks.
But in lieu of a threesome, there is one thing that you could get me for my birthday to make it magical: buy my book, if you have not already done so. In this scenario, everyone wins – you get a book, I get a book sold, and, well, I guess that’s it. But that’s a pretty good outcome.
And if you have already bought the book, fear not! You can always buy it as a gift, or at least give it a nice review on Amazon/Good Reads/etc or take a minute to recommend it to friends via email/Facebook/Twitter/etc. As I’ve said before, there are no major marketing campaigns for books, and so they depend almost entirely on word of mouth. So far, I have you to thank for spreading the word about the book. But with football season – and its incumbent gambling losses – just around the corner, it’s more important than ever to keeping pimping out the book.
So next time a friend asks you if you’ve read any good books lately, remember to say, “Well, not really, but I did read this book that was cheap and pretty short – and it had some funny pictures…”
[Have a good weekend]
To me, summer means many things: the relentless heat, humidity and stink rising from the streets of NYC up to my fifth floor Lower East Side apartment; the obscene travel prices; the awkwardness of being the only guy at the beach with both a shirt and sweatpants on (I have really skinny legs); and, of course, summer reading.
Being a well-selling author and all, people constantly ask me for book recommendations. And I find it really, really annoying. So I figured I’d put all of my recommendations in one place and you could pick and choose which ones you like so I don’t have to keep repeating myself fifteen times a week. For more information, click through to the Amazon pages to read fuller descriptions of these books, which are listed alpha by author (and, coincidentally, by order of best handjobber).
ROCK AND ROLL WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE by Steve Almond
Yes, Steve Almond, my old writing teacher, provided a blurb for my book. But he also said that had I not taken his class pass/fail in college, he would have given me a C-. So we’re even. I’m recommending this book to you not because of the blurb, but because as someone who loves music, falls easily into obsessive behavior (just ask the Kings County Circuit Court), and enjoys a good laugh, I loved this book. If you match even two of the these traits, you will, too. And if you match all three, we should have a beer.
STARVATION LAKE by Bryan Gruley
The other night, I went to dinner and when I got home at 10pm, the thermostat in my apartment read 91. 91 fucking degrees at 10pm. So a book like this – a murder mystery set in a small town in northern Michigan that prominently features hockey – is, in my opinion, a terrific way to help forget the brutal summer heat. A true page-turner that I read in about four sittings.
(Also, Gruley’s next book, THE HANGING TREE, comes out in early August . Joy!)
HOW I BECAME A FAMOUS NOVELIST by Steve Hely
Yes, this Steve also provided the cover blurb for my book. But here’s a true story for you: I knew Steve through a friend of a friend, and it was through that friend that I got a copy of my book in Steve’s hands for review. At the time I sent my book to Steve, I hadn’t read his. But then I did, while he was reading mine. And after reading his book, I was embarrassed to have sent mine to Steve, because his was so well-written and goddamned funny – it was like writing a crappy song about how your wife left you because of your drinking and sending it to some guy named “George Jones” so that he could have a listen. So, get there.
CONFEDERATES IN THE ATTIC by Tony Horwitz
As I get older, I find myself getting more and more interested in the South, mostly because of its food and its women. I guess the history isn’t bad, either. I picked up this book – a journalist’s account of following Civil War reenactors and visiting Civil War sites – recently in an airport, and it made my cross-country flights (both ways) fly by.
I ONLY ROAST THE ONES I LOVE by Jeff Ross
If you’re like me, you like Jeff Ross, because he may be the funniest man alive and you’re not a fucking idiot. Well, he’s written a memoir, and it’s fantastic – a blend of personal history, anecdotes from his illustrious career, and tips on how to roast your friends and family. A must-read for any fan of Jeff’s, or any fan of the standup comedy/roasting, or any fan of anything.
I SHUDDER by Paul Rudnick
Speaking of must-reads, this is easily one of the funniest books I’ve ever read. Yes, strong statement, but boy, did this series of essay with a very New York (read: gay, Jewish) slant make me LOL. (And yes, my reviews are so sophisticated and cerebral that I feel comfortable using “LOL.”)
BLUE BOY by Rakesh Satyal
Speaking of gay and funny, if there were tags to this book, they would be: HILARIOUS, COMING OF AGE, TALENT SHOW, WHITNEY HOUSTON. Ain’t cha hooked already?
Honorable Mentions (not so much beach reads, but worthy nonetheless)
EAT YOUR FEELINGS by Heather Whaley
While I’m not exactly well-versed on the subject (seeing as I’ve turned on my stove twice since I moved into my apartment in December), I have to think this is one of the funniest cookbooks out there. Maybe some Drunk And Disorderly Donut Pudding? Or Jalapeno Poppers for When Your Only Friends are People You Met in a Chat Room? Or even some Caught Mom and Dad in the Act Tater Tot Casserole? I think you get it. Say hello to the Christmas gift for every woman/cook in my life.
TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT by Lauren Leto and Ben Bator and MORE INFORMATION THAN YOU REQUIRE by John Hodgman
Yeah, I know they’re pretty different. But of all the books that I could read while pooping, I choose these two, which have been my toilet reads for months now. I know that complimenting a book this way may seem strange or just plain gross, but trust me – in my world, such praise is on the level of “you complete me.”
************
Finally, there is my book. Just sayin’.
************
That should hold you over for a little while. Check back in a few weeks for my winter reading recs.
Being a well-selling author and all, people constantly ask me for book recommendations. And I find it really, really annoying. So I figured I’d put all of my recommendations in one place and you could pick and choose which ones you like so I don’t have to keep repeating myself fifteen times a week. For more information, click through to the Amazon pages to read fuller descriptions of these books, which are listed alpha by author (and, coincidentally, by order of best handjobber).
ROCK AND ROLL WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE by Steve Almond
Yes, Steve Almond, my old writing teacher, provided a blurb for my book. But he also said that had I not taken his class pass/fail in college, he would have given me a C-. So we’re even. I’m recommending this book to you not because of the blurb, but because as someone who loves music, falls easily into obsessive behavior (just ask the Kings County Circuit Court), and enjoys a good laugh, I loved this book. If you match even two of the these traits, you will, too. And if you match all three, we should have a beer.
STARVATION LAKE by Bryan Gruley
The other night, I went to dinner and when I got home at 10pm, the thermostat in my apartment read 91. 91 fucking degrees at 10pm. So a book like this – a murder mystery set in a small town in northern Michigan that prominently features hockey – is, in my opinion, a terrific way to help forget the brutal summer heat. A true page-turner that I read in about four sittings.
(Also, Gruley’s next book, THE HANGING TREE, comes out in early August . Joy!)
HOW I BECAME A FAMOUS NOVELIST by Steve Hely
Yes, this Steve also provided the cover blurb for my book. But here’s a true story for you: I knew Steve through a friend of a friend, and it was through that friend that I got a copy of my book in Steve’s hands for review. At the time I sent my book to Steve, I hadn’t read his. But then I did, while he was reading mine. And after reading his book, I was embarrassed to have sent mine to Steve, because his was so well-written and goddamned funny – it was like writing a crappy song about how your wife left you because of your drinking and sending it to some guy named “George Jones” so that he could have a listen. So, get there.
CONFEDERATES IN THE ATTIC by Tony Horwitz
As I get older, I find myself getting more and more interested in the South, mostly because of its food and its women. I guess the history isn’t bad, either. I picked up this book – a journalist’s account of following Civil War reenactors and visiting Civil War sites – recently in an airport, and it made my cross-country flights (both ways) fly by.
I ONLY ROAST THE ONES I LOVE by Jeff Ross
If you’re like me, you like Jeff Ross, because he may be the funniest man alive and you’re not a fucking idiot. Well, he’s written a memoir, and it’s fantastic – a blend of personal history, anecdotes from his illustrious career, and tips on how to roast your friends and family. A must-read for any fan of Jeff’s, or any fan of the standup comedy/roasting, or any fan of anything.
I SHUDDER by Paul Rudnick
Speaking of must-reads, this is easily one of the funniest books I’ve ever read. Yes, strong statement, but boy, did this series of essay with a very New York (read: gay, Jewish) slant make me LOL. (And yes, my reviews are so sophisticated and cerebral that I feel comfortable using “LOL.”)
BLUE BOY by Rakesh Satyal
Speaking of gay and funny, if there were tags to this book, they would be: HILARIOUS, COMING OF AGE, TALENT SHOW, WHITNEY HOUSTON. Ain’t cha hooked already?
Honorable Mentions (not so much beach reads, but worthy nonetheless)
EAT YOUR FEELINGS by Heather Whaley
While I’m not exactly well-versed on the subject (seeing as I’ve turned on my stove twice since I moved into my apartment in December), I have to think this is one of the funniest cookbooks out there. Maybe some Drunk And Disorderly Donut Pudding? Or Jalapeno Poppers for When Your Only Friends are People You Met in a Chat Room? Or even some Caught Mom and Dad in the Act Tater Tot Casserole? I think you get it. Say hello to the Christmas gift for every woman/cook in my life.
TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT by Lauren Leto and Ben Bator and MORE INFORMATION THAN YOU REQUIRE by John Hodgman
Yeah, I know they’re pretty different. But of all the books that I could read while pooping, I choose these two, which have been my toilet reads for months now. I know that complimenting a book this way may seem strange or just plain gross, but trust me – in my world, such praise is on the level of “you complete me.”
************
Finally, there is my book. Just sayin’.
************
That should hold you over for a little while. Check back in a few weeks for my winter reading recs.
We’ve got some new book-related events coming up. Holla.
If you haven’t been to one of my readings before, how it works is that I show up (usually with a pretty solid buzz), I read a story or part of a story (usually one that I wrote, but who knows?), then we do a Q&A at the end. Everyone goes home happy, except me, who ends up masturbating in some strange hotel room while watching Pornhub clips on my iPhone. It’s a real experience, for sure.
At any rate, if you live in the following cities and are looking for something to do, come on out. Note that events in Cleveland, Chicago and Milwaukee are not so much “readings” but more “I’m taking a week off and road tripping/getting drunk in each of these cities, but in order to write off the entire trip come tax time, I have to say it was in support of my book, so if anyone asks, I did a reading.” This also means that there will be no books for sale at these events – we’re meeting in a bar, after all – so you should buy a copy in advance and bring it with you (if you show up at my event without a copy of the book, I’ll fucking strangle you) (and not even in the sexual way) (probably). Finally, the NJ Shore reading (and LA reading, which I’ve mentioned before but I’m reminding you about again) should last about an hour and you should try to be on time, whereas the bar ones will last longer and be more loose with time, because, well, I’ll be getting pretty drunk.
Full details (with links to Facebook events) are as follows:
Los Angeles
Thursday, July 22 at 7pm
Borders
14651 Ventura Boulevard
Sherman Oaks, CA 91403
Jersey Shore (Surf City)
Wednesday, July 28 at 7:30pm
Ocean County Public Library
Long Beach Island Branch
217 S. Central Ave.
Surf City, NJ 08008
Cleveland
Monday, August 9 at 6pm
Flannery’s Pub
323 E. Prospect
Cleveland, Ohio 44115
Chicago
Wednesday, August 11 at 6pm
Cortland’s Garage
1645 West Cortland Street
Chicago, IL 60622
Milwaukee
Thursday, August 12 at 6pm
The Irish Pub
124 N. Water Street
Milwaukee, WI 53202
Note that we’re still waiting on details for NYC and Boston, as well as (potentially) Seattle, Denver and DC, should I get around to it. This shit is a lot of work.
But in the meantime, if you live in/near one of the places listed about, hope you can make it (and bring your friends! all of them! seriously!).
If you haven’t been to one of my readings before, how it works is that I show up (usually with a pretty solid buzz), I read a story or part of a story (usually one that I wrote, but who knows?), then we do a Q&A at the end. Everyone goes home happy, except me, who ends up masturbating in some strange hotel room while watching Pornhub clips on my iPhone. It’s a real experience, for sure.
At any rate, if you live in the following cities and are looking for something to do, come on out. Note that events in Cleveland, Chicago and Milwaukee are not so much “readings” but more “I’m taking a week off and road tripping/getting drunk in each of these cities, but in order to write off the entire trip come tax time, I have to say it was in support of my book, so if anyone asks, I did a reading.” This also means that there will be no books for sale at these events – we’re meeting in a bar, after all – so you should buy a copy in advance and bring it with you (if you show up at my event without a copy of the book, I’ll fucking strangle you) (and not even in the sexual way) (probably). Finally, the NJ Shore reading (and LA reading, which I’ve mentioned before but I’m reminding you about again) should last about an hour and you should try to be on time, whereas the bar ones will last longer and be more loose with time, because, well, I’ll be getting pretty drunk.
Full details (with links to Facebook events) are as follows:
Los Angeles
Thursday, July 22 at 7pm
Borders
14651 Ventura Boulevard
Sherman Oaks, CA 91403
Jersey Shore (Surf City)
Wednesday, July 28 at 7:30pm
Ocean County Public Library
Long Beach Island Branch
217 S. Central Ave.
Surf City, NJ 08008
Cleveland
Monday, August 9 at 6pm
Flannery’s Pub
323 E. Prospect
Cleveland, Ohio 44115
Chicago
Wednesday, August 11 at 6pm
Cortland’s Garage
1645 West Cortland Street
Chicago, IL 60622
Milwaukee
Thursday, August 12 at 6pm
The Irish Pub
124 N. Water Street
Milwaukee, WI 53202
Note that we’re still waiting on details for NYC and Boston, as well as (potentially) Seattle, Denver and DC, should I get around to it. This shit is a lot of work.
But in the meantime, if you live in/near one of the places listed about, hope you can make it (and bring your friends! all of them! seriously!).