When you become a real-live published author, one of things you inevitably have to deal with is (are?) reviews of your book.

(See? Real-live published author and I’m not sure if I should use “is” or “are” there. Man, they’ll give book deals to just about anyone these days.)

Ever since I finished writing my book, I admit that I’ve vacillated between being concerned with what the reviews might say and feeling entirely apathetic toward them. On the one hand, I don’t have to tell you that I wasn’t exactly shooting for ol’ Bill Shakespeare or Leo Tolstoy here. Sure, I wanted to tell some good stories and make the best penis jokes as I possibly could, but I more or less was aiming for, “I read it in a few days, I laughed a few times, and it was totally worth the $14. Awesome purchase, fun read, and would recommend it.” That’s it. As I’ve said before, as long as you chuckled at some parts, thought it was worth the money, and maybe even bought it as a gift for that special person in your life who is from Philly/from any big city/is (or was) Irish Catholic/grew up in a large, dangerous or possibly even criminal extended family/loves run on sentences and poop humor, then I’d be happy. Uncle Jason knows his limits, thankyouverymuch.

But on the other hand, anytime someone more or less says “You suck,” well, it’s going to bum you out, at least a little bit. Contrary to what you may have heard from various ex-lovers of mine, deep down inside my gruff, handsome in a “If Meatloaf and Peter Jackson had a kid” kinda way, I am a sensitive man, with the soul of poet and the heart of a cow. And when you pierce that heart, well, it hurts. It hurts.

(And note that I’m not talking about reviews from Publishers Weekly or their ilk here, but rather customer reviews on sites like Amazon or GoodReads or whatnot. I write for the people, baby, not the critics. Viva la Revolution!)

(That being said, I do love the critics, and hope they give me other positive snippets that I can extract from their reviews and use for promotion, should I be fortunate enough to write a second book. Love you, critics. Love you guys so much.)

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I haven’t checked my customer reviews. I couldn’t do this in good conscience, especially when I’m the same guy who, when his blog started talking off, would masturbate to SiteMeter stats, and the same guy who, in a somewhat embarrassing post on this here blog shortly after the book was released, wrote that he was aiming for 50 positive reviews on Amazon and asked you lovelies to contribute. But I can tell you in all honesty that I’ve been much, much better about this than I thought. In my old age, I’ve come to learn that it’s all relative: sometimes life is good, sometimes life is bad; some people will love the book, some people will hate the book – as long as I make it home each night and get to sit on my couch to watch a murder show I haven’t seen before, then it’s all gonna be alright. In the case of reviews, you can only hope that those that fall into the “hate” category explain why they feel that way, if for no other reason that an author like myself can learn from their “mistakes” and do better next time. Or use their words for a rousing session of hate masturbation. Either way, really.

For the most part, I have been lucky, and many of the reviews I’ve gotten, both from customers and critics alike, have been warm (making me feel confident enough to proclaim the book “relatively acclaimed”). Sure, there are some that are negative, but again, as long as they come with an explanation, then that’s alright with me (for example, “he’s a jerkoff and not funny” is not a good bad review; “I can’t believe this guy got to write a book when he clearly hasn’t had any actual, English-language training and my friend’s friend made out with him once and she said he keeps his eyes open – like, wide open – when he kisses and he does this thing where he doesn’t touch you but instead rubs his hands together really slowly and creepily in between you and him and he even coughs every once in a while, so I just couldn’t get into the book” is also not a good bad review, but at least it’s better than the first one.)

But recently, I came across one such not good bad review that gave me pause, and nearly broke my little cow heart. It gave the book one star, and read only:

“God, not even a little bit funny and I am sorry that I paid money for it.”

Well.

Yep, this one got me a little bit. I wasn’t so much angry or sad (again, I DVR nearly every show on Discovery ID, so there’s definitely a new murder show waiting for me when I get home at the end of the day to make it all better). But instead, perhaps it was my (MASSIVE) ego that caused me to feel disbelief. Really? “Not even a little bit funny?” 60,000+ words and you didn’t find, say, 12 of them funny? What about the dozen-plus pictures in the book? I mean, the one of me as the ten year old lesbian alone is worth about $2 of the cover price! As I said, my current life motto, or at least my current approach to life, is that it’s all relative, subjective. “Not even a little bit funny” sounds awfully absolute to me.

I managed to collect myself, but I still was haunted by those words presented without further explanation: “not even a little bit funny.” So, falling back on that ego again, I thought that I’d check some of the other books this person – let’s call him or her NEALBF for “not even a little bit funny” – had reviewed, thinking maybe that NEALBF was a really hard-ass and hated everything. I mean, my book is funny, right?

(Right?)

(RIGHT???)

But to my surprise, NEALBF is not a hater, and he/she gave out many, many positive, five-star book reviews. There were literally dozens of them. But as soon as I saw the first two or so, I noticed a curious theme.

Below are the titles of some of the five-star reviews handed out by NEALBF. I have also included a random sentence from that particular book’s description on Amazon, as well as what I was thinking when I read the descriptions of these books, beloved and starred-up as they are by NEALBF. Tell me if you too can pick up on the theme here.

SNOW WHITE AND THE ROSE RED – Five Stars
Random line from description of book: “And when the kindly, intelligent black bear wanders into their cottage some months later, they realize the connection between his plight and the sorcery they saw in the forest.”

Um, huh? A “kindly, intelligent black bear”? Moreover, a “kindly, intelligent black bear” that has a “plight” that doesn’t involve eating lot of salmon, hibernating, fucking and shitting? And sorcery? What the hell is this?

THE WICKED DAY (ARTHURIAN SAGA, #4) – Five Stars
Random line from description of book: “Born of an incestuous relationship between King Arthur and his half sister, the evil sorceress Morgause, the bastard Mordred is reared in secrecy.”

Oh, I get it – we’re squarely in “Renaissance Fair” territory here. I’m gonna take a leap of faith here and guess that NEALBF didn’t go to the prom and/or regularly masturbates with a (replica) staff of Gandalf halfway up his or her ass.

BLACK TRILLIUM (THE SAGA OF THE TRILLIUM, #1) – Five Stars
Random line from description of book: “Ruwenda’s rulers are brutally slain, but their daughters–the three Petals of the Living Trillium, prophesied to save their country in a time of peril–flee to the Archimage Binah, who directs them to their magic talismans.”

Are these daughters hot? This definitely has “porn movie premise” potential, as the three daughters fuck their kingdom to safety. If this is the case, I’d probably give this book five stars, too.

SUMMERS AT CASTLE AUBURN
Random line from description of book: “Corie accompanies her Uncle Jaxon on a hunt for the Aliora, faerielike creatures who serve as unwilling slaves to the humans inhabiting this quasi-medieval world.”

Ok, I’ve definitely seen a porno with this premise. Hunting for fairy (sex) slaves in medieval times? I think Brianna Banks was in it, as well as that dude with the long hair who’s in everything now (Evan something?). If I recall correctly, Brianna did a DP scene while wearing wings.

MRS. FRISBY AND THE RATS OF NIMH – Five Stars
Random line from description of book: “Soon [Mrs. Frisby] finds herself flying on the back of a crow, slipping sleeping powder into a ferocious cat’s dinner dish, and helping 108 brilliant, laboratory-enhanced rats escape to a utopian civilization of their own design, no longer to live ‘on the edge of somebody else’s, like fleas on a dog’s back.’”

I actually think I’ve heard of this one. And also maybe even have read it, a few years back. You know, when I was a child.

BEING A GREEN MOTHER (INCARNATIONS OF IMMORTALITY, #5) – Five Stars
Random line from description of book: “A young girl’s lifelong pursuit of the ‘Llano,’ the elusive Song of Natureleads, her to her destiny as the Incarnation of Nature and tricks her into a bargain with the Incarnation of Evil to halt the world’s destruction.”

This one just pisses me off, as this is the exact title of my second memoir…

DRAGONSINGER (PERN: HARPER HALL, #2) – Five Stars
Random line from description of book: “When Menolly, daughter of Yanus Sea Holder, arrived at the Harper Craft Hall, she came in style, aboard a huge bronze dragon, followed by her nine fire lizards.”

…and I was planning on feature fire lizards in my second book. Crap. At least my current draft has thirteen fire lizards, as opposed to this shitty book’s nine (the two maxims of writing: “Write what you know” and “You can never have enough fire lizards.”)

************

So I get it: if you like books with stories about kindly black bears, King Arthur, orphaned daughters who save kingdoms and faerielike creatures, you are probably not going to in any way, shape or form like a story about a 13 year old me trying on a condom for the first time. Loud and clear. I get it. I get it. And we can still be friends.

See? It’s all relative. Now here’s hoping there’s a new 48 Hours on ID, Unusual Suspects, or Wicked Attraction waiting for me on the DVR tonight.