Like most other jerkoffs, I wanted to start a diet in the New Year. However, with trips to Vegas and Amsterdam planned for January, I mean, there was just no point in doing so, when in both cities I knew I would be eating anything that was put in front of me – sandwiches, Chinese food, cardboard boxes, bicycle tires, etc – while under the influence. So instead, I started my diet on Monday, and I was alarmed (though not surprised) at the initial weigh-in that morning.

This week, I eased into the diet, following three principles:

- Eat more sensibly. Examples: oatmeal for breakfast, “salads” for lunch (in quotes because these salads contain meat, cheese and croutons), and dinners like chicken apple sausages with a small side of pasta.

- Instead of peeing or pooping on the bathroom on my floor at work, walk up at least two flights (sometimes more) and use a bathroom on a higher floor. This adds up, and on Tuesday, for example, I walked up a combined 21 flights of stairs (I drink a lot of water).

- Do not, under any circumstances, go to the gym. Again, easing into it.

So all in all, not a lot of changes. But I got on this scale today and boom – I’ve lost 5.5 pounds since Monday morning.

You know what I attribute this to? Being a dude. Women, god bless you, have to actually work at losing weight. A guy can fart and lose a pound. But don’t hate the player, hate the game.

And now, the weekend – let’s go about gaining this weight back in the form of Guinness and pizza. Happy Friday!