This book presents the results of a years-long research project, conducted by the FBI, in which thirty-six murderers, most of whose crimes were sexually motivated, were interviewed, studied and classified.

(Is that right? “Most of whose crimes were sexually motivated”? That doesn’t feel right. Whatever.)

That’s pretty much about it. You either like this stuff, or you don’t. And it can be pretty graphic. Case in point:

“One murderer, after performing poorly in the service and being intimidated by his sergeant, went AWOL on a drinking binge. While out on the street, he beat a drunk to death after the man grabbed him. The murderer felt justified in his actions and was unaware of the intensity of his rage or the impact of his blows. He then beat to death a second man. Finally, he abducted a female acquaintance. When he awoke the next morning, her dead body was beside him with a broomstick thrust into her vagina with such force that it had penetrated her lungs. Although he believes he killed her, he claims no recollection of the incident.”

You know, I’ve had my fair share of bad nights after some heavy drinking, but THAT, my friends, is a bender. Can you imagine being this guy’s buddy?

INT. DECREPIT TRAILER IN TRAILER PARK – EVENING

BUDDY and MURDERER are sitting on beat up couch and arm chair, respectively, listening to .38 Special, drinking beer, and passing bong back and forth. It is a warm mid-summer night.

Buddy: “So what’d you do last night?

Murderer: “Man, you won’t believe it.”

Buddy: “C’mon – try me.”

Murderer: “So my sergeant really pissed me off, so I thought, ‘Fuck this – I’m going to get drunk.’ So I head over to O’Malley’s, and really, really tie one on.”

Buddy: “Nice.”

Murderer: “Yeah, no kidding, I really needed to get drunk. You know what I mean?”

Buddy: “I hear you, brother!”

[Buddy and Murderer high-five. Buddy hands Murderer bong.]

Murderer: “So anyway, I leave O’Malley’s around 6pm or so, thinking of heading over to Burger King to get a Whopper, when this drunk guy grabs me and starts fucking with me!”

Buddy: “No shit!”

Murderer: “Yeah, he’s all like grabbing me and speaking gibberish and shit!”

Buddy: “Fuck that! What’d you do?”

Murderer: “I beat the shit out of him!”

Buddy: “Nice!”

[Buddy and Murderer high-five]

Murderer: “No kidding, I think I killed him!”

Buddy: “Nice, man, nice!”

[Murderer hits bong]

Buddy: “Wait, you mean, like, really killed him? Or just fucked him up good?”

Murderer: “No, man! I’m 99% sure the mother fucker’s dead!”

[Murderer hits bong again]

Buddy: “Oh…”

Murderer: “I fucking love this song!”

[Murderer turns up stereo. “Hold On Loosely” gets louder. Murderer hands Buddy bong, then plays air guitar.]

Murderer: “So anyway, I eat the Whopper – they still have that two for one special going on, by the way – and I’m headed back to O’Malley’s and, I shit you not, the same thing happens again!”

Buddy: “What? You mean you get hassled by another drunk?”

[Buddy hits bong]

Murderer: “Yeah! It was like ‘National Drunk Dudes Fuck With Me Day’ or some shit!”

Buddy: “So what happened?”

Murderer: “Pretty sure I beat that dude to death, too!”

Buddy: “…Oh. Really?”

Murderer: “Yeah, man! He was all on the ground like, ‘Stop! You’re killing me! It hurts!” and I was all like, “Fuck that and fuck you! It’s on!’ and like kicking him and shit!”

Buddy: “Well, that’s uh…that’s really something.”

Murderer: “Wait, it gets better.”

Buddy: “Better?”

Murderer: “So now I’m all worked up – having killed those two drunks and all – and I’m getting sober, so I head back to O’Malley’s for a few.” [motioning to bong] “You gonna pass that shit or what?”

[Buddy passes Murderer bong]

Murderer: “You know that girl Cheryl?

Buddy: “I don’t think so.”

Murderer: “Yeah, you do. She’s that fine piece of ass that’s always hanging around O’Malley’s? That redheaded broad with the serpent tattoo on her titty?”

Buddy: “Oh, yeah! That bitch is fine!”

[Murderer takes bong hit]

Murderer: “Well, guess who woke up in my bed this morning?”

Buddy: “Get the fuck out of here!”

Murderer: “WITH A BROOMSTICK IN HER COOCH!”

Buddy: “Wait, what?”

Murderer: “Yeah, man. Shit musta got wild, because when I woke up, there she next to me, broomstick in the cooter, dead as shit. I mean, I guess I did it – I think it was too far up there for her to have done it herself – but I don’t really remember nothing. Musta been a wild night!”

[Murderer puts down bong, raises hand for high-five, which Buddy reluctantly and fearfully reciprocates.]

Murderer: “So anyway, I’m thinking we should not hit O’Malley’s tonight. I should probably keep away from that place for a few days or something.”

Buddy: “…”

SEXUAL HOMICIDE: PATTERNS AND MOTIVES by John E. Douglas, Ann W. Burgess, and Robert K. Ressler