Last night, I came home from work to find the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in my mailbox. The cover girl is Irina Shayk. In case you need more evidence than the photo above, she is stunning (all as safe for work as the photo above is). But while my first thoughts upon looking at the cover were sex-related, ranging from “Oh, the things I would do to her” to “But seriously, how long before I’d ejaculate?” (would it be when we were in the same room? when she took off her top? when I touched a boob? or would I make it all the way to actual penetration?), my next line of thinking was, “Geez, what in the hell would I talk to her about?”

For whatever reason, this is a question that always comes up for me when fantasizing about completely unattainable women. Don’t get me wrong, I am a red-blooded American male (potentially with diabetes) and speaking to a girl of Irina’s caliber would not be the first thing on my mind (see above). But my thought process in these fantasies always goes “Sex with her” -> “Make her my girlfriend so as to continue sex” -> “What do we do when not having sex?” In this example, I assumed – correctly so – that Irina was from some sort of small town in either Russia or Eastern Europe (she’s Russian). So what does a guy from South Philly talk about with a girl from Yemanzhelinsk – aside from “Have you ever had a cheesesteak?” and “Russia, huh? Pretty cold there, I hear” and “Do you normally have orgasms or is it, like, difficult for you?”

Make no mistake – I’m not trying to score points with the female readership here (“OMG! He cares about what a girl thinks and says!”). To be very, very clear, if someone like, say, Brooklyn Decker (who I’ve been on to for years, well before she blew up) walked into my office today and said, “I think you should break up with your girlfriend and go out with me,” my immediate response would be, “Do you have any preference as to how I dispose of her body?” So that’s not it.

Instead, I think the answer is pretty obvious: I am xenophobic when it comes to fantasies. When it comes to women I would really like to sleep with but would never in a million years sleep with me, I prefer American girls to foreigners, because my fantasy extends beyond sex and into relationships and thus I would like to talk about American stuff like football or Nascar, The Cosby Show or The Bachelor (not that I watch that), or mac & cheese and hot dogs with my wannabe lady when we have these conversations in my head.

Is it wrong to be so discriminatory? Perhaps. But hey, it’s my fantasy – I don’t tell you how to imagine yours.

(And Irina, if you’re reading this, this doesn’t mean we can’t hang out. I like vodka, and we can take it from there. Hit me up.)