About Me

For over 70 years, Jason Mulgrew has been entertaining audiences in the United States, Europe, and Latin America (except in Guatemala, where Jason can no longer appear, because of an on-going investigation stemming from a bizarre sex-slay in which he was allegedly involved in 1989). His keen and clever observations about what it’s like to be a Greek-American transgender Jew in Depression-Era New York City have kept people rolling in the aisles since 1930, when early in his youth he learned he could use his abnormally large scrotum -

Eh, fuck this.

Here’s what you need to know about me:

1) I fucking love dairy products.

2) I can drink more than you can. (Well, probably not, but I just said that to impress you)

3) I live in New York City and spend much more money than I make. This is a problem.

4) I have no STD’s, or at least none that I know of or that have yet to be identified by medical science.

5) I live by myself in an astoundingly cheap two bedroom apartment in a neighborhood of Manhattan I call ChiLita (Chinatown/Little Italy). When I walk out my door, to my left is a street that looks like Florence without all the class and tact; to my right is a Beijing street fair.

6) I haven’t slept with a woman in so long that I checked the rule book and I’m technically a virgin again.

7) I am from a blue-collar Irish Catholic family from Philly, complete with a chain-smoking tattooed dad, a short gregarious mother, a younger brother that despises me and a younger sister who’s pretty sure I’m gay.

Though raised (semi-)religious, God and I haven’t spoken to each other since an incident in Phoenix in 1994 (don’t ask) and we are currently trying to destroy each other. He is winning. For now.

9) The following things I find funny: retards, the homeless, fighting retards or the homeless. That is all. Also, jokes about Puerto Ricans are pretty funny too (it’s cool, because I used to date a Puerto Rican).

10) I graduated from Boston College in 2001. During my tenure there, I was thrown out of housing twice, sued once, and fined around $30,000 in damages. I graduated from St. Joe’s Prep in Philly in 1997. Girls did not like me in high school.

11) I am the worst hypochondriac in the world, because though I think I’m going to have a heart attack or stroke every time I masturbate or stand up quickly, I think nothing of having forty alcoholic drinks, smoking a fat bowl, and then throwing up blood.

12) I’ve played guitar since I was 13, but I am the worst musician in the world. Seriously, Guitar Magazine said so in April 2003. Look it up.

13) I have a good, well-paying job doing law firm marketing, which I - believe it or not - actually like. Strange, but true.

14) I am only doing this to get in your pants.

That’s really about it.