(originally posted 9/9/04; updated 12/13/04)
The following email comes from Chera of Mechanicsburg, PA. For some reason, I got really into this (I have no idea why). She writes:
In the August issue of Cosmo they have an interesting article about "Sex Tips from Men". As a man with many words, views and comments, I am interested on your take…I didn’t notice anyone of them mentioning BBQ, hot dogs or sundae smothered on the ladies’ bodies so I was safe to assume that you were not one of those surveyed.
Excellent topic for discussion. Like I said, I got way too into this. Below I’ve taken the sex tip given by a man to Cosmo, and given my take on it.
“I love when you are cuddling next to me, completely nude, and I feel the softness of your pubic hair on my hip.”
- Oh jesus – a little graphic, eh? So that’s what kinda party this is? Alright, bring it on.
“If you’re totally turned on, but not sure I am, let me know you’re ready for sex by taking my hand and leading me into the bedroom without a word.”
- I’m probably already turned on. If you’re in the same room with me and have a vagina and at least one good eye, I’m ready whenever you are.
“If I’m sitting in a chair and zoning out, come on over and straddle me. Your body in my lap will perk me right up.”
- Really? You’re kidding me! A woman sitting on my lap is a good thing? Is that why I spend 18% of my yearly income at titty bars? Quick, call CNN!
“I love when a girl gives me that God-I-want-you gaze, especially if she shifts her eyes downward after a few seconds, then glances back up one more time.”
- Douchebag. What, are we in the movies or something? (Maybe this is jealousy, as any “I want you” gaze directed at me has come from blood-shot cracked out/drunken eyes of a hobo).
“When you give me a hello kiss after a long day at work, don’t hesitate to grab my package. It’s like Hel-lo…”
- Ok, that works.
“Be playfully aggressive. Throw me against the wall and go at it — like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.”
- Again, another good one. You’d better be strong though, because I am pretty fat.
“Wear a thin silk shirt with no bra so that your nipples stand at attention, then rub your chest against mine.”
- Yes, we can compare who has bigger boobs. Unless you’re really stacked, my man-boobs will put your woman-boobs to shame. So bring it.
“Help me button my shirt or adjust my tie in the mirror. When you dress me, I just want to get undressed again.”
- I don’t care about getting undressed; I just need help buttoning the shirt, since it’s super fucking tight (curse you guacamole doritos!). You might want to enlist the help of a strong friend as well.
“When you grab my arms, hold ‘em over my head and lick around my armpits. I’m putty.”
- I think I just threw up.
“Instead of just diving right into sex, spread a bedsheet between us and grind over me. The heat from your body and the softness of the fabric feels incredible.”
- Dude, you gay?
“Licking behind my ears is a nice addition to traditional ear kissing.”
- Oh, I wouldn’t go behind my ears, since, to be honest, I don’t clean that area much. Three weeks ago I found some confetti back there from last New Year’s Eve. So best stay away.
“Dribble some sparkling wine over my nipples and lick it off slowly.”
- Or I could just drink it. And I wouldn’t lick it off my chest unless you want a mouthful of hair with that sparkling wine. Just an FYI.
“Have me close my eyes and trace the outline of my lips with your finger.”
- Then slowly insert a huge piece of pie into my mouth…
“Press and rub the back of my neck. Then run your hands around my shoulders and across my chest. It’s as if I’m being enveloped by you.”
- Yeah, good luck trying to envelope me. Have you seen me? I’m gigantic. You’d better have a fucking tarp or something.
“Run your tongue around the perimeter of my belly button. The fact that you’re just inches from my most sensitive spot has me drooling with anticipation.”
- I’m not “drooling with anticipation” when a woman does this. I’m thinking, “This poor girl. God, she is really fucked up. How many cosmos did she have?”
“Lightly caress the sensitive webbing between my thumb and forefinger. It’s a lusty pressure point.”
- Yeah…um, I’d rather take a blow job personally, but whatever works for you.
“Getting naked with the lights on is underrated. A big thrill of sex is fully exposing ourselves to each other.”
- I guess this depends on who you are having sex with. I usually keep the lights off, and keep my partner blindfolded. Just to be safe.
“Grab or pat my butt. It’s like you’re telling me it’s okay to go for it.”
- Go for what? Sex? Good luck, because the “she patted my ass so I thought it was ok for me to stick my finger in her butt” excuse will not hold up in a court of law. Trust me.
“Tugging on my earlobe just a bit with your teeth makes me lose all sense of the English language.”
- Eh, the women I have sex with usually don’t have much sense of the English language themselves, what with one growing up in that small fishing village in Honduras or one having escaped the oppressive Cambodian government or that mute one I bang every Christmas Eve.
“Finger sucking is almost as good as sucking me down below. And here you can use your teeth.”
- I respectfully disagree. Asshole.
“When we’re just lying on the couch and watching TV, let your feet wander in my lap and start exploring.”
- This depends on what we’re watching on TV. If it’s anything sports-related or that Denny’s commercial I really like, get your fucking feet out of my lap.
“I love it when you run your fingers through my chest hair or leg hair. All those follicles stand up and notice.”
- We are talking a LOT of follicles here. Does back hair count too?
“Whisper how much you want me and where you want me. It sounds great, and your breath on my ear is so hot.”
- This is even hotter if your breath has just a hint of Nachos Bell Grande to it.
“Read from a sexy novel and make eye contact with me when you hit a dirty word.”
- Fuck a novel – read me the menu from Burger Heaven. When you get to the Monster Burger (“8 oz. of prime and choice chuck grilled to your taste and smothered in chili, topped with Cheddar cheese and four strips of bacon with a dollop of sour cream”), I may have multiple orgasms.
[Excuse me, I need a minute here.]
“Spell out naughty messages across my entire body…my legs, arms, chest. If I guess right, you act out the message.”
- Doesn’t that seem like a lot of work? When I’m having sex, I’m usually so drunk I can barely work a toilet, let alone guess dirty messages written on my body. Also, whatever a woman would spell out I’d guess the same thing: "anal."
“Let me know you’re in the mood by picking up my palm and darting your tongue against it. It’s an unusual move, but it’s so erotic at the same time.”
- This serves two purposes: 1) getting me hot; 2) cleaning off the BBQ sauce that is covering my hand.
“Surprise me with a ‘bubble-bath night.’ When I get to your place, I’ll be panting when I find you waiting all sudsy.”
- But there’s no way I’m going to fit in the tub with you. You and I both know it’s not going to happen, so get out of the goddamn tub already. Also, I hoped you cleaned the tub before your bath, because I masturbate in the shower at least twice a day, so you’re probably pregnant if you didn’t.
“Leave something behind after a romantic romp. I love it when you leave your lacy panties in the sheets after you visit me. It makes me crazy thinking about you while we’re apart.”
- Take your panties home with you, but leave me your doggy bag from dinner. So much better.
“I love it when you gently tug on my nipples. It sends chills up my spine.”
- Replace “nipples” with “penis” and “gently tug on” with “try to rip off” and then we’ll talk.
“I want a woman who won’t freak out if I flip her over, suggest doing it in an elevator or ask her to leave her panties off.”
- I just want a woman who has all her chromosomes. Why don’t you aim a little lower buddy? Next you’re going to say it’s important for your woman to be able to read and not be addicted to narcotics. Asshole.
“I love feeling your thighs tremble and tasting your excitement, but I can be shy about making the move. So gently nudge my head downward. I’ll happily get the hint.”
- Does anyone know what this is about? “Tasting your excitement”? What the fuck does that mean?
“’Feather touch’ my entire body, never staying on one spot too long.”
- My entire body? Good luck – see you in three hours.
“As we’re fooling around, slowly lift my arms over my head, then glide your hands along their undersides, all the way back down to my chest.”
- Isn’t that the move Patrick Swayze did to Jennifer Grey in “Dirty Dancing”? What the fuck?
(And yes, I am straight. I swear.)
“Give me little butterfly kisses down the hairline between my belly button and my lower abs. Torture.”
- Yeah, for you.
“Don’t throw your head back and close your eyes while you’re getting off. If you watch me going down on you, you’re going to enjoy it twice as much.”
- Eye contact is no good, because then I feel the need to make conversation (“So um, do you believe in god?” or “So um, who’s your favorite Golden Girl? I like Rose, but that Sophia sure is feisty.”)
“Pull my hair. It’s so primal.”
- But if you hurt me, I will punch you.
“Please do not be afraid to touch yourself in front of me. It’s about the most exciting thing.”
- I can think of more exciting things. You touching me, for example.
“Leave some clothes on. The feel of your bra or panties on my skin while we’re going at it is incredible.”
- Because I am definitely keeping my shirt and socks on, and, if possible, I’d like to wear a ski mask (long story).
“Initiate a really wet kiss, then take one of my fingers and place it inside you so I get lost in the sensation of your two types of wetness.”
- “Lost in the sensation of your two types of wetness”? Does anyone else want to kick this dude’s ass?
“Lie on top of me and swing your breasts along my mouth. Graze your nipples against my lips so I have to reach up to kiss them.”
- C’mon, don’t do that to me. You know I’m not very agile or good at moving, especially when I’m that drunk.
“Don’t forget to nip at my bottom lip every now and then. It’s a bit of S&M mixed into an innocent make-out session.”
- Again, that’s alright, but if you’re hurt me, I’m going to punch you.
“Lick and gently rub the small of my back. There must be a million nerve endings there that crave attention.”
- Unfortunately, those nerve endings on my back are covered in a thick, lustrous hair. So I don’t blame you if you want to stay away from that area. I try to whenever possible.
“I love an errant bite on my inner thighs, the sides of my abs and my back.”
- I don’t want any biting on the inner thighs. What if someone says, “Hey, they’re giving away free hot dogs!” and I suddenly jolt upright in excitement. Boom – you lop off a ball, and I cry in front of you. So it’s not good.
“My favorite foreplay trick is to have you give me a foot massage that eventually turns into a thigh massage, eventually hitting the money spot.”
- I’ll save us both a lot of time and ask for a handjob at the bar. You’ll respect my straight-forwardness and acquiesce, but will be weirded out when as I near climax I take a picture of Charlie Sheen out of my wallet to speed up the process. After we’re finished, we will never speak again.
“I love it when you tease my ‘cut lines,’ the vertical creases that separate my torso and thighs. When your hands finally dip down to my inner thighs, I’m out of my mind.”
- Stay away from that area. It smells like Canadian bacon left out in the sun for a week. Not good. Trust me.
“Danger and surprise are huge turn-ons. Doing it with the curtains open or the lights on may not seem like much, but it’s really exciting if I’m used to doing it cloistered in the dark.”
- I agree with this – danger is hot. Stab me once in the arm, and then let’s do it doggy-style. So, so hot.
“Spend a serious amount of time checking out each other’s bodies — discovering new freckles, tracing the shapes of curves and muscles. It’s sexy to know each other so well.”
- Look, I’ve seen myself naked. There is nothing sexy about this. There is nothing you can discover on my body that you will find sexy (“Did you know you even have hair on the soles of your feet?” or “Why is one of your balls the size of a nectarine when the other is the size of a niblet of corn?”).
“Watching you play with your body is like looking through a peephole and catching a sneak peek at your most intimate moments. It’s even hotter if you know I’m watching.”
- I have a lot of experience with this, and I agree, watching a woman play with her body is hot. However, I must say that in my experience once the woman (or high school sophomore) realizes I’m standing outside her bedroom window eating a Big Mac and rubbing myself, she is not exactly “turned on.” Quite the opposite really.
“After sex, trace your nails over my inner thigh. You have no idea how much it preps me for round two.”
- By “round two” I’m assuming we mean “turkey sandwich, heavy on the mayo” right?
“When we’re having sex, firmly hold the base of my penis while I’m thrusting in and out. It increases friction.”
- Um, if you do this, you’re only going to have about an inch and a half to work with. Not that I really care, but still.
“I really like to concentrate on the act of sex and save the intense kissing for before and even after.”
- Here’s what I am concentrating on: 1) “I can’t believe I’m having sex right now!” and 2) “I’d really like some lo mein after this.”
“If you’re riding me, rub your lower abs and feel me inside you.”
- Lower abs? Good lord! I don’t think this really applies to me, as on a good day my dick is the size of a wine cork.
“When we’re changing positions, give me an oral sex break. It lasts mere seconds, but it’s unbelievable.”
- There we go – finally another good one.
“When I’m thrusting, yell, ‘More, More!’ It’s such an ego stroke.”
- I also like when women yell, “I know you’re just on a gaining cycle right now!” or “Take me now, you internet quasi-celebrity!”
“When we’re in the missionary position, grab your legs and spread them even further apart. It feels so incredibly deep for me.”
– Shit, I can’t feel anything. Neither would you if you had drank 40 Bud Lights.
“I love to have really loud sex in the afternoon. Just the idea that the neighbors might hear all the dirty things you’re saying drives me wild.”
– As long as you don’t ruin our plan by yelling out, “I can’t wait until the neighbors go on vacation next week and we break into their apartment to steal money for our expensive heroin habits”, then this is cool.
“When I’m about to reach the brink, tell me to pull out. Then bring me to release in your mouth.”
- Good lord I am blushing right now.
“Run the condom packet down the trail between my stomach and privates. It’s a terrible tease that feels great.”
- Condoms? Who said anything about condoms? What the fuck?
“Even the most self-assured man craves some carnal kudos. So during the bump and grind, explicitly vocalize just how good I feel inside you.”
– Since I have especially low self-esteem, tell me how good my grammar is and how my family and friends really are proud of me.
“Squeeze my biceps and triceps while we’re doing it missionary-style. It makes me feel like a strong, macho man.”
- Don’t do this to me. I’d probably say, “Um, yeah, I’m going to start going to the gym again next week.”
“Who says that men don’t like after-play? Once I’ve come, run your hands over my body lightly…definitely lightly.”
- Then go get me a pizza.
“Multitask during sex. When you’re on top, massage my chest to the rhythm of your grinding.”
– And clean the toilet while I pay some bills.
“Try biting my shoulder whenever you’re about to have an orgasm during missionary sex. Very hot.”
– How many times do I have to tell you that women can’t have orgasms – it’s just a myth. And I know this because I’ve been with a lot of women and none have ever had ever had an orgasm. Therefore, it’s not possible.
“Moaning is great, but when you talk dirty and really let me know what I’m doing to turn you on, that really turns me on. It not only fills me in on what you love most, but it also just sounds so damn hot.”
- Talking dirty is hard. My steez:
Girl: “Tell me what you like.”
Me: “Um, everything? You know, whatever really. It all works for me.”
Girl: “I really want to fuck you.”
Me: “Um, I believe the feeling is mutual. Meaning, I really want to have sex with you as well.”
[Editor's Note: These exchanges are fictional. Obviously.]
“The next time you’re going down, go way down. Suck my toes and massage the soles of my feet.”
- I can’t express the horror I’m feeling right now.
“Explore the ‘tain’t,’ which is slang for that little patch of skin below my testicles. You know, ‘tain’t his arse, tain’t his balls.’ Apply pressure there with your fingers, and I’ll be eternally grateful.”
- Alternatively known as the grundel or choat (also spelled choata, choad, or choada), this deserves its own post. This is like the male g-spot. Unreal.
“Go down on me in the shower. There’s nothing like the feeling of a warm mouth around me while the warm water’s rushing down.”
- Oh yeah? Ever drink fifty Miller Lites and have a good bowl of French Onion soup? It’s comparable.
“Use your scrunchie as a ring around my member.”
– Some questions: 1) Who wears a scrunchie anymore? 2) Who’s getting a beejer from someone wearing a scrunchie? 3) How good could a scrunchie around your dick possibly feel?
“With one hand on each side of my penis, pretend you’re spinning a stick of wood to make a fire — but a little more gently than you learned in Girl Scouts, please.”
– Using two hands to twist my bird? No thanks. This is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life.
“Try sticking my penis through the hole of a glazed doughnut. Then nibble around it, stopping to suck me once in a while. The sugar beads from your mouth will tingle on my tip.”
- Wait a minute – did I write this one? On second thought, I wouldn’t have written this, since I think it’s a bad idea, as I would most certainly steal the doughnut and eat it myself. Then, I’d probably like it so much that I’d abandon the sex altogether to go get some more.
God I fucking love doughnuts.
“Sip champagne, then take each of my testicles into your mouth. Makes me tingle like crazy!”
- I wonder if the same applies to Budweiser…
“A sexual act is 10 times hotter when we’re watching porn, and they’re doing the same thing onscreen.”
- The last three tips have involved booze, doughnuts, and porn. Now we’re getting somewhere.
“Jump me anyplace other than the bedroom. It introduces new sensations.”
– Not when I’m pooping though. I’m not into that anymore.
“On your birthday, smear cake all over your body and invite me to help myself.”
– Just make sure you leave some cake for me for breakfast tomorrow.
“Take your panties off, throw them in the freezer, then caress my body with them. Don’t laugh. It’s actually awesome.”
- But please, keep them away from my ice cream and vodka. Please.
“In a cab, climb onto my lap (facing me), then stick your left leg over my shoulder and your right leg out the window. It’s a little awkward, but it feels so good, we won’t care.”
- Your girlfriend is a whore.
Does she have a sister with low self-esteem?